lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

never change

I walk into Soobin and Beomgyu's room, nervously shoving my hands into my pockets, hoping he wouldn't get angry or upset with me. Stop thinking that, he would never get extremely angry with you, perhaps a little disappointed and annoyed but never ever put a hand on me. Or purposely harm me. I swallow saliva hoping I wouldn't freak out this time, or any time.

"Okay, sweetie, let's talk," I bite my lip, a habit I've been doing way too much. I scratch at my arms, my long sleeved arms. "So... how are you, Kai?" I shrug, not wanting to answer. I have kept a lot to myself, I don't need to say anything more. He pats the bed while he sits on the other bed so we're across from each other.

"I've missed you guys," I say, after a second's silence.

"I've missed you too," Soobin chokes and I feel a little awful for bringing it up. "You know.. I was.. uh, a little shocked, okay maybe I was really really shocked...when I saw you there...o-on the b-bridge." My brow furrows and I feel completely horrible for putting him in that kind of situation. He looks away, rubbing his temples with his hands.

"..Hyung.." I whisper but he continues.

"I can't believe you were gonna... be gone. Forever. My sweet penguin. I feel so awful that you felt that way, that it was the only way for you to be happy again." He clears his throat as if he had a big lump in his throat. I sigh softly and take his hand.

"I'm here though," He looks at me with shiny eyes.

"But I wasn't there for you. I should've been noticing stuff."

"You did though," He shook his head upset.

"No! I didn't! I'm your hyung, your leader and.. I'm horrible at it. I was supposed to be there for you. I am so so sorry, Hyuka, and I really am." I feel my heart mending a little but it breaks again knowing that I've caused him so much pain.

"You should NOT feel sorry,"

"What about your parents and your sisters? They gave me a scolding for life." I shake my head again and annoyance rising again at my family members.

"I don't think you should listen to them, hyung. It's not your fault." He whimpers and then starts sobbing uncontrollably, his hands in his face. I get up to sit next to him and cradle his upper torso in my arms. He wraps his arms around me in a hug. I pet his hair gently, trying to soothe him. Usually its me he's trying to soothe but now it's him who needs to be helped.

"No, no, no, hyung. It's not your fault that I was gonna kill myself. It's no one's fault." Only my fault, I add in my head. "You've been the greatest hyung and you've supported everything I've ever done. My singing, my dancing, my music, and especially when I wanted to do Paranoia." He keeps crying, mumbling things I can't understand.

"I love you so so much, hyungie, and that will never change."

"I don't want you to leave, Kai," He cries in my shoulder, "I had nightmares ever since we debuted of one of us leaving or dying. I don't want you to leave, please, don't." My heart melts into a big puddle of mush. Oh gosh, poor Soobinnie.

"Binnie hyung, I would never leave you," I reassure him, even though I am still doubting everything.

"Can you promise me, please?" I open my mouth and close it again. "Can you promise me?" I pat his back and he pulls away from me, rubbing his face from the tear stains.

"Hyuka," He pouts, studying my face in worry.

"Uh, sure hyung, I promise,"

"You do realize that I love you right? You can talk to me about anything, okay?" I nod and we hug each other. My heart is kind of mended but am I still good enough to go on like this? Lying that I am okay? Lying that I really like dancing and singing? Lying that my manager is amazing? Lies shouldn't consume me like this.

Too bad the next day was going to be horrible.

--

I just want something cute for a change y'know? :'))