lost in my pain || 𝙃𝙐𝙀𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂𝙆𝘼𝙄 ✔ [2]

flashback

Author's note: I decided to include some missing TMA content because why? I really miss TMA </3 This is during TMA or even before it. It's just a flashback :')

My mind is in pain.

I can't get out of my head.

I can't get out of this hellhole.

I swallowed softly, yanking down my sleeve's so no one can see it. No one, just me and my endless pain. I looked at myself in the mirror, glaring at my reflection. Everything is your fault. My head yelled at me. You don't deserve any of the idol life, you're just so horrible. I believed the words, every single word.

I brushed my hair, my hands shaking from anxiety. I hope I don't have to bleach it or color it anytime soon. I like my hair the way it is now. Someone knocked on the bathroom door, I jumped, dropping the brush on the floor onto my poor socked foot. I yelped in fright, jumping backwards.

"You okay?" Yeonjun asked through the door.

"Yeah," I called back, before looking at the mirror.

You look so horrible. So ugly. No wonder no one can see you tearing yourself apart.

Does everyone see me this way?

I splashed water on my face, looking at my red shot eyes and dark circles underneath. I sucked in a breath of air to calm myself down. I shoved the pain down so my facial expressions would not show at all. I opened the door, and let Yeonjun go in there. I brushed against him, not even acknowledging that he was there. I could feel him staring at me. I kept walking, towards the living room, hoping I can do something with the others. I see Soobin and Beomgyu giggling with each other about some random thing on the TV. I'm about to sit down but they stop laughing and get up to their feet, leaving me alone.

Leaving me alone.

I watched them, pain striking right through my heart. They kept laughing with each other, me standing in the middle of the living room. A single tear leaked out of my eye as I shoved my hands through my pockets, kicked the coffee table, scuffing it a little.

"Hey! Why did you do that?" Taehyun exclaimed, as he was drinking a soda or something. I shrugged, not really caring if I got into trouble. He shook his head and patted me on the shoulder. "I'm going to work out, okay?" He was taking a pair of keys, getting his gym bag.

"Okay," And again, I watched someone leave me alone.

Left alone, to tear myself apart.