Moon Telepathy

It's 11:30 in the evening.

The dangerous city went into slumber moments ago, all that's present is the after-smoke it left. My room was denied of any presence of lightnings, for some reason, I find comfort in the dark; maybe it was because of the temporary blindness that it grants me, whatever the reason was, however, I honestly couldn't care less.

My body was laid down the mattress, the blankets are scattered, the pillows are thrown everywhere inside the room. My OCD kept screaming at me for the imbalance and imperfect proportions, even if I feel it acting up, my mind wasn't able to register anything at all. My body did not try to move an inch from where I am, I was just completely rooted down the same spot. I refuse to stand up. I refuse to move. I refuse to do anything at all.

The last time I did try to do something, I failed. I wanted for her to just stay with me. I wanted for her to bear with me. I wanted for her to deal with my selfishness. But she left. I don't blame her. The one who should carry the blame is me, I was too self-centered. I only thought about myself. In our relationship, she was always about give-and-give, while I, on the other hand, only cared about take-and-take. It was one-sided, it was wrong. She got tired of it and left.

Upon staring at my ceiling for consecutive hours, my mind went numb, my feelings went numb, my senses went numb. I couldn't feel anything. I stopped feeling anything. For a very long time, I had forgotten how it feels to be a human. She gave me the chance to become normal once again; to see the world's beauty in all forms of colors. Everything was less painful when she was there. But I realize this all too late. She's gone now. I lost her. I lost everything.

Her face, voice and smile. If I haven't played with her heart with my own hands, will I be able to enjoy my life with her? Will I be able to say thank you to her? Will I be able to keep her? To love her? To say things I lost the timing to say? Will I be able to feel loved again? Will I be able to feel alive again? These questions kept rising, they kept increasing. But no matter how much of it I pile up into my mind, I will never get the answers of it. I had walked towards another path, and so did she. We were separated, denied of any happy endings. Because I was at fault, maybe I should just forget about it? Maybe I should just kick it up and let it at bay? 

Maybe I could. But life is a shitty game. No matter how bitter it is, you have to live up to your own decisions, whether it was for best or for the worst, you have no choice but to accept and accept and accept. Regrets are made, huge ones, but you can't do anything about it once you did it. You can never go back and time. You can never rewrite your tale. You can never change anything. All you have to do is go away and accept the outcome.

"Bullshit." All I can do is to curse and regain my senses, standing up to head towards the veranda, I kept on blinking when I realize that my vision is getting blurry. Warm liquid flowed down my cheeks as I scrunched up my nose. I can't believe I'm crying. I've regained an emotion, it isn't the best one, it's the emotion I hated the most. It was sadness, and it's slowly eating me up. Recalling the moments when I was free to feel this emotion, but knowing how hate-worthy this feeling is, I couldn't stop myself from bawling out my eyes: my mother's death, my father ashamed, my perfect brother. Everyone was sneering and mocking the young me. The things I said, the things I did. And finally, her figure that was burned into the back of my mind when she was leaving me.

I was trembling as I looked up at the sky. On the nights when the moon is up, I'd see her in my dream, and when morning comes, I'd find my eyes wet with tears. I'll talk to that moon shining in the night sky, for I'm sure she is also looking at that same moon, somewhere. Always acting like she had it all together, never showing me a single glimpse of her vulnerability, she kept her head up and smiled. But out of the blue, she gazed at some point faraway, and disappeared by herself into the shadows of the night.  

Aimlessly, I look up at the sky and find the full moon shining. The moon she had always loved
is still there now, and yet... Seeing her image overlapping with the moon, I reached out my right hand towards it, but there's no possible way for me to touch it.

But the moment I had felt despair, a shimmer of hope lighted my way to welcome me. Of course, when the night is pitch-black, the stars shone the brightest, the moon lighted up the way, the galaxy is saying hello, just to remind you that you're not alone.My phone began to vibrate, making me pull it out of my pocket. As I stare at the caller ID, my heart began to beat fast that it started to hurt. Hesitantly answering it, my voice cracked from the moment I said "Hello?"

"Hey, I...just wanted to say I'm sorry." The sound of her voice made the whole universe light up. Whether she said that the positive or negative way, I didn't think about it. Without looking away from the moon, I mouthed out the same words I said years ago to her. "Look outside. Look up. It's beautiful."

The line was silent except for a few footsteps of hers, I heard her open her own veranda to look at what I am motioning at. She gasped at awe and repeated the same reply eight years ago, "It's beautiful."

"I'm sorry." I apologized, but when I didn't hear any reply from her, I took this as a sign of continuing. "For everything. For hurting you. For just taking and never returning anything. I'm sorry. I took it all for granted." I choked out a sob. "I'm sorry because I'm an emotional wreck. I don't understand it, I don't understand why after all these years, after all those hurtful words I told you, you still went ahead to call me and say sorry."

 Silence was the only companion I had, the cold breeze brushed against my cheeks as I wait for her answer. She sighed, my heart breaking at the sound of her breath, she was disappointed. "It's because we're friends...dummy." She giggled.

"Hey, can I break you?" I asked, but did not receive any reaction. "If only you were a little more weaker. But no, your heart is like iron. I can't break you unless I smash or pound you." Stating that bitterly I heard her mumble her reply, enough for me to hear, "Then melt it."

"Now, why would I do that?" When the words came out of her mouth, I could tell that she was smiling while she said it aloud. As if it was a fact that I was neglecting.

 "I told you didn't I? You don't have to deal with your wounds alone anymore."