ALMOST THERE.

Chapter one: 'Perseverance is Apathy'

I was driving down the street, it was dark out, it was a weekend, just me, the road, and the dirt beside it. And the streetlights, the streetlights were the only thing else there. I could crash, I would crash, on the floor, on my bed, on the dirt, I would crash for the last time, how good would it feel? I ask myself, I do everyday, I won't ever stop. I turn right, keep going forward. Keep going forward. Forward. Forward. Forward right right right right right. My niece's sweet sixteen is next weekend. I want some cake pops. If I die, I won’t ever eat one again. I say to myself. I
always do, this isn’t healthy. Nothing would be healthy in this amount I think.
I'm always alone with my thoughts, nobody is there, I want to crash. It would make me feel, I want to feel, no matter what it is, feeling things is normal. Its very normal. I never did. Ever. I saw things, I mimicked those things. I was a monster. I still am. Red light. Stop. Don’t go forward. Don’t go forward. Don’t go forward Go forward Go forward go forward go forward. I want to see my favorite band’s new song.I haven’t heard it yet. Have I? I can’t remember. Do I even have a niece? I can’t remember. Why am I like this? I was always like this.
I miss my school’s old sandbox. I sat there and imagined I had friends. It was fun. People thought I was evil. I was. I wasn’t like them. My brain was, no, is, my brain is different. I want to get help, I wish I did. Now I can’t. I’m trapped, my parents told me I was normal. I was faking it. Maybe I am. I want to cry. I can’t. I will never be able to cry. I hid it for too long. Apathy surrounds my heart, my eyes are dry. How I hate this. I hate me. I’m in my neighborhood now. Almost there.

Almost. I turn right, then left, I head forward. My house is right up ahead. Almost. I pulled into the driveway , I parked my car.  I stop my car.  I get out of it. Just focus on walking I tell myself, walking, walking, walking, walking. I wish I wasn’t here, I wish I could just die. But I can't. I'm too cowardly. Too weak, too shitty. I want to cry again, I probably look angry. My neighbors hate me they hate me they hate me they’re looking they’re looking they’re looking. My neighbors aren’t awake, they have to get ready for their day job, “I want a day job, maybe then I wouldn’t be so pale.” I say to no one. I’m at my door, I open it. Its empty, no noises, I hate sound, I hate crowds. Why do I hate everything? I close my door, take off my shoes, and walk to the door. Tomorrow is Monday, I wish I didn’t make it to Monday, there is a remote next to me. I could shove it down my throat. I would choke.  I would die I would die I would die I would die I would die I would die I would die I would die. I can’t die yet. I’m meeting a new person next month. They seemed nice, they seem nice, I hope they are. Most likely they aren’t. I’m hopeless, I trust too easily, yet I let everything and everyone just leave, and run away, they should run away, I’m a monster. Yet I’m so bad at being a monster. I want to cry, I wish I could cry.
I turn on the TV. staring blankly at the TV. Maybe I could rewatch my favorite TV show. Again. I’m so useless. I don’t do anything, I’ll be forgotten and I should be forgotten.  I didn’t deserve to be here in the first place. I should have been killed. I could be killed. I want to be killed. It would be relieving and calming. I don’t deserve to have a reliving death. I should suffer. I should have my legs broken I should have my legs broken I should have my legs broken I should have my legs broken I should have my legs broken. I wouldn’t be able to go to work. And afford candy.
I’m hungry, I realize, so hungry. I get up. I walk to my fridge and open the door. There isn’t much in there, some slices of ham would be nice, I check if I have any of my fried ham left. I don’t. But I do have some potstickers left. I quickly grab the bag and open it ravenously. I can’t eat it yet, I need to cook them first. Or microwave them, and so I do. I empty the bag out on a plate and put it in the microwave. I turn it on and set it to 4:00 minutes. I wait, and wait, and wait. So much waiting. It’s done. Finally. I take out the plate as soon as its done and start eating. While standing up. How improper. The food burns my tongue a bit but I eat all the same. I finish my meal. I’m not hungry anymore. Thankfully, I walk to the sink and put the plate in. I washed the dishes earlier that day so I don’t have to tonight. Thanks, past me.
  I wash my hands since I got them dirty with grease because I ate with my hands, soap and water. I dry my hands with a dirty towel lying beside my sink, I should wash my laundry tomorrow. I walk back over to the couch, I sit down, and open HULU. I scroll till I find the cleaning lady. How many times have I watched this show? I can’t remember, I can’t remember anything, I’m so stupid. I click on it, and pick up on the episode I left off on. Episode 7, Our Father, who art in Vegas. Not my favorite episode. But not the worst. They talk and talk and talk. I wonder why I watch this show. It’s a tad boring.
I turn it off. Maybe I could watch her favorite show, Steven Universe Future, I look for it and it looks a bit, cartoonish? Whatever, I click on it, Its called little homeschool, huh, cool.


He has healing powers and there are corrupted gems? Confusing, but I love It? Also he has anxiety, and is also a teacher? Also Garnet is super cool, I like her. Jasper creeps me out a bit, being creepy and angry. Also a lot of pink. A lot of pink. A lot of gems creep me out, come to think of it. Its also pretty funny for a kid’s show.