multifandom oneshots !?!

anxiety. - heartstopper

fandom: Osemanverse

characters: Nick & Charlie

type: angst !!

trigger warnings: self harm, suicide, mental hospitals, general anxiety disorders.

summary: Nick got diagnosed with anxiety while Charlie was in the ward, and decided not to tell him for a while.

LATE OCTOBER 2011:

"I'm sorry Nick I just can't do this anymore I want to stop. I really, really do." Charlie said. He was on speakerphone. My mum sat across the table listening. She held my hand while I very silently cried into my arms.

"It's okay, Char. I get it," my British accent, heavily leaking through. He had missed weeks of school and relapsed every other week. It's hard having a best friend with a mental illness, let alone him being your boyfriend. It feels so selfish to complain though. Char had been in and out of rehabs, but now he finally agreed to go to the hospital. I feel bad. When he originally relapsed I pussied out of seeing him because I thought he'd hate me. I missed him and caved and felt like an ass. It only took me six days but other than that I've been by his side.

My mum thinks this is too much for me, and honestly I did too. It was draining and impossible to get out of bed some days. Wait. I'm still on the phone, focus, Nick goddamit!

"Ni.." his voice drifted off, "Nick? Are you there hon?" Hon? He's never called me hon. I smiled, I think he must have realized it, "sorry, yep, Char, um, psych." My mum caught my eye, now only watery. She smiled back and nodded towards the phone.

"So, where are you going?" I ask him

"Yeah, mum says I'm going to Little Brook, 2 hours away or so," he paused, I waited, "I'm sure my family will let you drive with them to come with." followed by a sad huff. "Will you come over Nick? I don't wanna spend my last day alone."

I look at mum, she stares at me as if to say, 'Nicky, be good and take care of our boy,' I nod, as if to say, 'Yes mum I know, when don't I,' she smiled, and I told Char I'd be there.

November 2011:

"Nick. This is an unreasonable amount of stress for a teenager. Are you sure you aren't bothered?" I had to think, like really think.

"... well I mean, yeah? I dunno. He's my boyfriend. I have to be there for him. He'd do the same for me!" I responded, but I could tell my counselor realized I wasn't 100% sure about my answer.

"Well, was there any.. unwanted texts or calls?" I thought. I thought for a while.

"No... Not.. In that way?" I pause. "But. I don't know if he remembers but.. The day it happened he, um," I swallow and cry a few tears. Psh. Not mine to cry. "He called me and I could barely hear him but I knew something happened. He told me, barely a whisper, he said, 'Nick. Nick call me an ambulance. Please Nick I'm so sorry call an ambulance' then he blacked out. Or, or sometimes, he'd call me before or after he had, um, cut... himself.." I finished. God. I had said too much.

"Nick. These are serious things, this could be filed as harassment. Now, would we like to talk about this during our last session before your diagnosis."

"No, sir, it's okay, really I'm sure he'd be okay if it was me." but what I didn't say was, he'd blame himself, and I wouldn't do it in the first place.

"Okay. Nick. I think I have enough information here." My leg stopped bobbing. Would they send me too?

"Nick. I believe you have anxiety, nothing severe! Just a minor case of an anxiety diagnosis. We can send you a Xanax prescription. How does that sound?"

Anxiety!

Anxiety?

Anxiety.

I, Nicholas Luke Nelson, have anxiety. I thought Char was the only one who had it. We'll get through this together. But maybe I won't tell him until he's better. But I will tell him. Because he's my Char and I'm his Nick.

Maybe Hon if I'm lucky.

And I smile at that thought.

LATE AUGUST 2012:

"Nick?" I turn, a small hm? falls out my mouth.

"Do you. You know." I frown, "love you? Yes." I joked.

"Nicholas." Oh shit. It's about to go down "Yes, Charles?"

"Do you do drugs? Or um unprescribed pills?" I must pull a face that's so weird even Char hasn't seen one like it.

"Nah? Why? Are there rumors?"

"Xanax." I freeze. "Why do you have Xanax, Nicholas?"

"Charlie. I, um." I shrink. "I never told you, did I? Hah."

"Nick, how long have you been taking these? Does your mum know?" I shrug. "Charlie. I'm so sorry for not telling you sooner.." I swallow, "But I was diagnosed with anxiety while you were in the ward."

"Oh. Hon.." He frowned. "Did I do this?" he sank.

"No! I think maybe it was just all the stress and yeah.. I haven't cut, or any self harm for that matter, though! And I see the school counselor and I talk to my mum when need be!" He grabbed my hand.

"Hon. You should have told me, you know I love you, and we both have the same fucked problems." he smiles.

"Also, you need to get this filled Nick." he giggled, grabbing my hand and letting me lean on his shoulder.

I really love you Nick, anxiety or not.

word count: 907 :)