Breakups are supposed to happen... on a rainy night... being left in silence to watch the other walkway... Or something along those lines... but here we are in middle of a busy early evening... saying our last goodbye... so khan... All i have to do is return to who I was 1yr ago, who I was before i took that phone call. Before we became close. As if nothing ever happened. Its not about whether or not the breakup itself was good... but about navigating the breakup well. If we don't, we'll have lingering thoughts. We'll want to see each other, and that'll torture us. Or we might begin to hate each other... wondering why we did this or that. So khan... will we be able to breakup well? To be honest there are moments when I think of you from time to time. Anger. Despair. Longing. Coldness. I had to figure out how to be ok on my own. And yet I felt hurt seeing how you seemed completely fine, it felt heartless. I missed the times when a comfortable athmosphere and a sense of logging but the next day I realized... that there is no way a broken-up couple can just be comfortable with each other.
Spiring has long passed for sure... but why am I still distracted by the smell of flowers...?
I thought we'd run into each other at least once as i walked around. Or maybe have a dinner later.
It's pathetic but, even though we broke up, the feeling of wanting to be together didn't die down.
If i could even go back to that time... if we can't get married or be in a relationship... let's at least be an friends. You try to throw things away and stay light, and make decisions faster maybe it's because you don't have the time to think and drag it out...
makes decisions faster? Is that why you sent me away? Was breaking up also a quick decision?
If time is medicine, then memory is power. Pain is forgotten as time passes by but even the shining memories lose their powers and fade into insignificance. How am I ever supposed to trust you again... when you lied to me about everything? Is the reason you being so nice because you sorry... that you think this happened because I gave up all...
They say too much of anything will kill you I never thought it true. But I carried too much forgiveness. And poured it all into you. I was showing you compassion like a good lover should do. I was showing you patients don't all couples argue? I guess it was my fault. There are people I can't save I held too much love for you now you're grieving at my grave...
I wont say your name anymore not even out of anger because why should I cry over a stranger. I don't know how to write about love It's different from pain, you see I know what hurts me. The bullet is there. The knife cuts through easily. With pain I know where the wound is I can tourniquet my heart with my sleeve. But love is messy It oozes out poisons the naive It's butterflies and fireworks. Until the storm starts creeping in what is pain if not love broken the line is so very thin.
Moving on is so gruesome the boxes are so heavy there are so many things I want to keep. And I'm not sure if I'm ready. I think I'm kind of a hoarder. Because even the painful things I'll stow I turn them over in my head Like forbidden cargo. Compartmentalizing memories Into envelopes sealed with sobs. Suffocate them in bubble wrap. I jump every time it pops. But I can't let our boxes weigh me down I fear I've overextended my stay In the rear view mirror you look so small. Moving on is the only way. I'll meet you at the baggage claim since we both can't carry on. The carousel goes round and round I bet our bags weigh a ton It'll take a while to unpack them. Unfortunately I can't stay I was always meant to fly you were just my runway.
Searching through photos and seeing you Is like discovering fossils. From a time I often think about but never want to live through again. When my brain recognizes your face I can feel the chemicals shifting. Like tectonic plates snapping back together. A bridge that connects our past selves when we knew less and didn't need more. I miss who you were the version of you nestled in sedimentary rock. And I'm too sentimental to let the earth swallow you. So I dust you off and keep you In my back pocket. And when the sea becomes a barrier the bridge burned once more at least I'll have a part of you.
I don't want to be an afterthought. Please take care of me, too I may be strong but my feet ache. My heart is easily bruised sometimes I need to be coddled. Hold my hand when times are tough facades are easy when you have a strong front. When you're not thought about enough. So please don't leave me behind don't leave me as someone you forgot. I don't want to feel the weight of being alone I don't want to be an afterthought.
When people ask if I'm okay I wish I could ignore the plummet of my stomach and the grinding of my ribs so I could pull the corners of my lips to the tips of my ears. And plant my feet until flowers bloom and nod my head like a pepper shaker. Not too much I become overbearing not too little I become uninteresting. But just right with a yes It hurts me to leave you behind.
And put my feelings on a shelf a souvenir left to collect dust a relic of my former self I see the world so clearly now. And no matter how I felt I think it's time to let you go I love you
But not enough to sacrifice myself.
How many hits Can a punching bag take Before it weathers and splits and cracks and breaks?
Because I'm getting tired.
These thoughts have been haunting us forever but I think if you hold my hand tight enough we can fight our demons together.
I am thinking about you not enough to call but enough to retrace my footsteps to where. I placed the memories of you down and Dusted off my fingers. Jammed my hands in my pockets to stop them from
prying the thought of you back open. But lately, I've been thinking about you and there, stuffed in a box filled to the brim you you and you. Buried deep under forgotten songs and childhood memories. Wedged in my rib cage like a splinter. It hurts to tug you out but I'm thinking about you and. I wonder what you did on your birthday. Who egged you to blow out the candles. Whose presents did you unwrap? I am not worried about who keeps your bed warm these days But I'm thinking about you and
I hope you're happy.
