They said he'll love you forever. They said he'll stay by your side forever. They said he'll never let anyone raise their finger at you.
He asked why should I be the one to wipe your tears? I loved you but only because they told me to.
What kind of life is this when you give someone your life, your devotion and loyalty on a golden platter but only to get betrayed in the worst possible way. My heart burns everytime I think about it. My eyes are tired of crying yet they flow again without control. My mind quarrels with me repeatedly, almost threatening to shut itself off because I let someone consume my heart and soul without thinking twice. Had I known that one day, I'll be sitting alone, crying in a corner while he moved on with someone else, I wouldn't have taken the decisions I did.
Everyone says you'll understand your mistake once the facade falls off; when you're dragged back from your imaginary fairytale to reality, only to finally understand that they were just web of lies and false hopes, speckled with the dust you believed to be love.
What was my mistake? is the question we often ask to ourselves but we forget the point that it was solely and only our fault that we believed and lost our heart to someone who doesn't even deserve it; only to get it back - butchered and hanging barely on those loose threads, trying to survive.
He promised he loved me. He promised everything to me. He promised me happiness and life; he did indeed, but instead a life filled with regrets and pain.
My heart, scared and paranoid isn't the same anymore. The face which brought a bright smile upon my face, filled with dreams, hope and bubbles of joy, now, only brings grimace as I curl myself, trying to hide somewhere. My mind is fogged up with unforgettable memories, as it silently weeps with wordless melancholies.
He asked "why are you so thick? Why are you so dark? Why do you look so plain?". I replied, "I love you", over and over again never understanding that he wasn't saying it back because he never intended to. He pitied me as someone who loved him without expecting anything in return.
Now, people ask me why aren't you forgetting him and marry someone else? He didn't deserve you. He never loved me truly, yes, but my heart and soul was true to him, never once did I betray his trust. And if I got betrayed, it's nobody's business. At the end of the day, it was my mistake - the gravest one.
I've heard tales of ruins,
I've seen dilapidated buildings,
Yet I never believed, I would-
Resemble one someday,
Strings of my heart, detached
And hanging like the portraits
Which never saw the light.
My whole being ruined and
Scattered like ashes in the wind,
Moving without a destination
Nor a purpose.
The dome which was a beacon of
Hope that light will enter some day
Is crushed and crumbled to the ground,
And none would realize that it was
Once so high and gleaming and
Proud of what it can do.
The coloured glasses distorted with no use
And now bleeds colourfull in the shades
Of pain, hurt, loss of hope and emptiness.
You let me go because you didn't want me
But I just wanted you and nothing else.
I just loved too much and you
Just didn't love me enough
And it's not really your mistake!
Love, they said is a beautiful commitment, a rollercoaster ride- filled with happiness, joy, a funny feeling, as though you were flying high in the sky with no one else to clip your feathers. Never did I understand that those would be like Icarus' feathers; made out of wax, just deception and temporary smiles. Atleast, Icarus was warned by his father. I learnt it the hardest way that trust is a virtue just like one's innocence - never to be given freely and blindly. "Trust", a word so small yet it encompasses so many things in it.
There are moments when I recount or to be exact, search my mind crazily to remember how or why was I such a fool in love? My life is crumbling little by little everyday and there's nothing I could do because I chose him even when others tried to remove the blindfold I'd so willingly put on my eyes. Seven years, eighty four months - a small number? But I ruined them myself for someone who didn't even value it. I spent those years in hopes and longing that one day, I'll have my happily forever with him. Now, he has that with someone else while I'm stuck with nowhere to go.
I've become a nomad, switching places; searching for peace and tiny moments of smiles but when the skies change from beautiful hues of pink and yellow to bluish black; my happy smiles turn into frowns and silent sobs. Crying my heart out would only mean I still care and I still haven't moved on and that's never something I'd be allowed to do.
My heart is losing its sanity, a little by little, the cracks deepening and broadening the gaps; oozing out invisible amounts of blood and hopes, as I stood at the threshold of my life; peeping out, wondering if it'd be better for me and everyone around to just walk out, leaving everything behind. The one thing I'd be happy to leave behind is pain; which I inflicted upon myself and the others. For years, I yearned for someone to love me but now, I just want my life and those wasted years back. The years I lost by caring about one person; having his back always, fighting with people for him and crying to sleep whenever he gets hurt. My life was literally at his feet, his mercy. A fool and stupid in love, I was - never really holding myself back from falling and breaking my heart into infinite pieces. Now as I slowly pick up those pieces trying to put myself back together; I'm reminded that the little shreds are lost forever; telling me I'll never be whole again. I'll never be myself again.
I stayed up late talking to him, defying everyone around me; as we told each other, our little secrets in hushed voices, promising each other of lifetime happiness and love in whispers, as we carved each other's names on our hearts or was it just me? As I try to erase his name from my heart, thorns of memories prick me endlessly, making me bleed with no mercy. Why was I the only one to suffer when he sailed the boat with me? He left me stranded on a deserted island - surrounded by waters of uncertainty, pain and hurt. We both got hit by the storm but he left me behind when someone rescued him. Did it ever cross his mind, I'd be left with no home for shelter and no anchor to keep me afloat?
My heart is pacing around - searching for a safe place, a hideout after losing its ability to trust people. Pushing away people is so easy of a task in the fear of getting hurt again. Building up the walls is easier than letting someone in, who may eventually only bring destruction and chaos.
I wish I could give him my pain just for one moment. Not to hurt him, but so that he could finally understand how much he hurt me. Loving was painful they said but never knew it would award us with pain so agonizing and excruciating that we'd wish for an eternal rest; saving our heart forever from the ruins.
Going around in never ending circles,
With no pause to take a breather,
Living a life just for the sake of it,
But no real wish to; rolling the tires
With each passing day.
Can I stop for a minute?
Take a step back and stop my running toes.
An invisible chain around my feet,
Keeping me tied to the regular routines,
My gears creaking yet no privilege
To oil them since I'm still glued to my people;
Expecting me to open my wings wide-
But never giving me the space to,
Keep pruning my feathers,
Telling me to fly high.
Give me a moment to stretch my arms
The world is wide and huge,
Yet too small and suffocating.
Like four walls, boxing myself
Without the care that I get claustrophobic,
Push me out into the world
For some fresh air,
I need to breath
To take it in; in big gulps:
Just to live once.
Love _ J 💜
Sorry for this trash piece! Just a vent out! Needed to let it out somewhere. If you made it till here, thank you so much. I feel better after scribbling this shxt out! I apologise if I annoyed anyone with this! Love y'all _ J ❤️
