TEACH ME PROFESSOR [Elizabeth Olsen]

Chapter 38 - Chasing you

LIZZIE'S POV:

I don't know how and when it happened, but we stopped talking to each other.
I think i stopped talking to her first, perhaps unconsciously but maybe not completely.
I'm aware that it's a bad choice and i'm bitterly regretting it, but i'm afraid, afraid for the two of us, afraid for her.
What i did to her at the hotel ... it was very wrong and what i did later, alone in my room, was also wrong.
Maybe even more wrong was running away from her after doing this to her, but i couldn't handle the emotional load of the situation and god i regret it so much.
I don't know what this meant for her, but it's still the most intimate thing that there has been between us and knowing her she felt terrible, hurt, guilty and probably there was a thousand paranoia in her head and i feel so guilty for that.

I'm turning into a monster and the worst thing is that i'm hurting the one person i would never want to hurt in my life.
And maybe i'm afraid of this, of myself, of this new side of me that i'm hating so much.
I hate myself.

I'm in crisis, i don't know what to do, i don't know what to say, i'm confused, terrified, frozen.

Something is changing inside of me, and she's part of this change, she's the cause of it.
She's awakening something in me that i'd never experienced, maybe a pleasure, maybe something more. It had never happened to me to feel attraction for a woman, i mean yes there have been women so i admit i felt a kind of charm like with Katrhyn or Kat on set, but nothing more.
With her it's different, i want to push myself even deeper, i'm discovering parts of me that i didn't even think existed.
But why?
It's like if i've lost control of myself, of my life, of my identity, i no longer understand what i really want.

Things between me and Robbie keep getting worse, he's faraway and if he's not, it's like he is.
He's like a ghost that goes around the house, we are two strangers living under the same roof.
I keep wondering why we've come this far and every time when i get an answer, it's just because it's my fault, maybe i haven't given it enough, maybe i'm not enough.
But i tried and i try to piece together a marriage that is crumbling day by day in front of my eyes.

He's an asshole and i'm aware of it, but he's still my husband, my other half, the one i promised myself to love even after death.
Even if i know that there's nothing left between us now, it still hurts to admit it, he was the man i fell in love with, who made me happy and knowing that maybe i was the cause of this change makes me hate myself more and pushes me in vain to try again, without ever having an answer from him.

I am a 33 year old woman, who is seeing her life crumble, everything around me is changing and i almost feel like i have to start over, like if i have lost everything personally.

And maybe it's true, i've lost everything.
I lost a husband, i lost a marriage, i lost the chance to make a family, but most importantly, i lost her. She didn't tell me directly, but i know she has moved away from me, i know she's terrified now to approach me and i don't blame her.
She prefers to avoid me, to pretend that i'm just her teacher with whom unfortunately she's to deal with every week, like if all our intimacy had been destroyed because of me.
I hate now that she's getting close to someone else like Hailee, they're experiencing everything she and i could have if i were just less cowardly.
She's happy with her, but at the same time i know that she's not entirely happy, i know her and i know that that pain is partly caused by me.
I wonder if she opened up to Hailee like she did to me, she trusted me but maybe now she's tired of doing it after she saw me run away from her so many times. I know that maybe the best thing is to stay away from her, but i can't, i try but i need to have her close to me.
I have to understand how i feel about her, why she has this effect on me, why i only think about her day and night, why my heart beats fast when i'm close to her. But to do that i have to break the distance that has been created between us.