I remember never feeling a since of belonging. It was as if I wasn't human. Everything has always felt so out of body. I don't remember every feeling like I fit in. This may seem like nothing out of the ordinary for some people but for me, it was like being put in a wet suit, and being told everything is out of my control.
The wet suit being two sizes too small, and me already drowning in the ocean of my thoughts.
I can't breathe, everything I do feels as if I'm a phantom, but I don't even know it. What if I was the paranormal entity? What if I was already dead.
Why is it so hard to feel like I can stay where I am? Why do I have to move everytime I get comfortable. I feel like a stranger in my body. I feel as if my world is caving in, and I'm like Atlas, trying to hold it up.
My universe is not the same as your universe. I am always in a different time zone. My thoughts will never, not be scattered. If normal was an accomplishment, I haven't accomplished anything.
But I face the day head being held underwater. A smile on my face, and a girl inside my head tearing at my brain. A skeleton trying to escape my body. I am a wandering nobody.
Is that all that I am reduced too? A no one, a nothing, a nobody? Will I ever be anyone? Will I ever feel safe in my own body?
Now, I ask myself these things almost everyday. But I can realize that I am not a freak, I am not some special book characer, holding the fate of the world on their shoulder. No I am stuck making sure I can survive my own self zombie apocolypse. I have been poisned, and I am slowly recovering from that. What I am finding a hard time doing is moving on.
Moving on from the grief, the anger, the forgotten feeling of me fighting for someting. What have I been doing my life?
I am being asked by colleges to write an essay, on certain things, like life experiences that changed the way I view the world. I think mine was getting into high-school romance movies. I remember the guy getting the girl. Or the girl getting asked to a dance. Or just seeing someone getting love from another.
High-school movies are a set up, because it teaches kids to dream about the experience. But when they finally reach highschool, it isn't as the movies make it seem. The guy is too nervous to ask out the girl. The girl is suffocating in her own self conciousness. And the teachers, they teach the circulum, not important life lessons.
High school is like a wave of confusion just waiting to knock you off your fucking feet. It takes you by suprise. It's like a riptide you get stuck in for four years. High school itself makes you think there is nothing in the world except for written test that you are destined to fail.
When I started highschool, I had no friends. And it seems fit that my senior year, should be spent alone.
Life in the real world, is being told you're pretty, by an average looking joe, and then walking away. You don't dwell on something that doesn't even matter. I think that's what highschool has taught me. To not think much about a bad grade, or a rejection. It's not like I am like you, you are not like me.
Don't get me wrong, people can experience those high school movie things. I just got shit luck I guess. I feel too much, or I feel too little. I love everyone, then I do a little show girl spin, and then I hate anyone I see. I am not the skinny, sleek hair, beautiful girl. I am a chubby, freckled, too pale for my own good. I am not that funny, I am never nice to those who are nice to me. I mean to the undeserving.
I make people, myself included feel bad about things they can't fix. I can't fix the fact I think the way I do. I can't go into a closet and come out a different gorgeous girl. I'll go into the closet, looking normal, and come out looking even more grey, then the sky on the day of a funeral. I feel as if colleges shouldn't be asking about my personal life. It's not like we are going to build a connection. You just want my money. So just fucking take it.
Make me go into crippling debt. Let me end up being so depressed I am near the point of death. Lead me to the life I never wanted to live. Lead me to bad decisions. Make me feel like I have no one. A make me feel like I never will have anyone.
College, high school, and any advanced learning you do throughout your life, means nothing when you get older. You wrinkle, and then you get arthritis, cataracts, diabetes, and then you remember you are all alone.
You are sitting in your death bed and the only person the is sitting near you, is the one who wants the most. They want your whole.The want what you earned, what you suffered for. And they get, because encouraged compassion is still compassion.
You waste your life away just to what? Be better than your peers? No, that cannot be the point of life. Is it buying everything you never got in your childhood. I hope not.
Maybe the point of life, is literally just to fucking suffer. Without suffering you feel unaccomplished. If you don't suffer, how do you get straight A's? How do you manage to start losing weight?
Life is gone before you know it, suffering last until the end. Don't keep pretending you are going to be someone greater than you are. Acts get tiring, and the more you act like your life is like a celebrities, the more out of touch you are with yourself.
Fuck you college essays. Fuck my self hating thoughts, fuck feeling out of place. This world is seen through my eye, so is it so wrong to want to be the main character? I think not. Be your main character, be who the fuck you want to be, just don't be me, and I won't be you. Deal?
