17th Floor, l.h

chapters IX

AN: kinda triggering :( +
song: independence day, 5 seconds of summer

I leave the couch to open the door. In front of me is Calum. He seems worried and starts shouting at me a second later.

"Who do you think you are. I was afraid something happened to you!"

Well, something kinda happened the last days...

"You didn't have to worry. You know how I can be and I'm very sorry I didn't call you. I've been too ill for the last days and I didn't have the energy to call anyone. Please stop glaring at me. It was my fault but I didn't not tell you on purpose. I'm better now and I wanted to come back tomorrow", I explain my situation to him and he seems relieved.

Calum and I order a pizza shortly after. We choose a cheese pizza and when the pizza gets delivered, my cat trys to steal a little piece of cheese from us. While doing this she looks very cute, just saying. The quieter we get, the more I have to think about Luke. Why was he in the building. Obviously he wanted to kill himself but what was the reason behind this? I have to tell Calum about everything or we will never be the same again. There's something between us as if he could feel it, that I lied to him.

"Calum, I wasn't telling you the truth", I say and he doesn't look shocked at all. "I knew, sooner or later you would tell me the truth. We are friends since almost 2 years. I knida know you by now and I can tell when you're lying or not. So, what has exactly happened?"

"I wanted to jump from a very tall building"

"What?"
I told you, I was good at hiding things.

"I wanted to die and I still want to"

"But you have nice friends and you're really beautiful and I hope, you know that Sam and I really love you. You're like a sister to both of us!", he tells me and I smile sympahetically.

"I know, I love you guys so much but this has to do with my past and stuff, not with you. I'm just not someone happy. For me, it's really hard to be in a good mood"

"Oh god no... This is why you always wear bracelets and why you always try to not talk about your parents and anything too personal"

"I guess..."

"Why didn't you jump? Not that I would want you to but I just want to know the reason why my little sunshine is still here"

"Well... There's this boy and his name is Luke and we kinda met at the building"

"Luke as in Luke Hemmings?"

"Yes, that's him"

"Elle, do me a favor and don't talk to him. He's done so many bad things"

"Why, I like him. He was very nice to me and he's the reason why I didn't jump"

"Decide for yourself but please don't cry when he does something bad. I warned you, there's nothing else I can do. I should go now, it was nice to see you again Elle, I hope you come to work tomorrow"

"Of course, I miss Sam"

"Not me?", he says pouting.

"No, not you, you dumbass", I say but laugh afterwards.

After Calum left, I'm all alone like always. Maybe some people are just meant to be forever alone.

My cat starts cuddling with me and I try to concentrate on the book in my hands but my mom distracts me. Sometimes, I see her in front of me even though she's dead. Maybe it's some sort of psychic thing but I see her, standing right in front of me, smiling at me reading. My mom always appreciated it, when I was reading. Sometimes she even said books were more important than homework.

"Homework is for the weak. It's for the ones who can't imagine, who can't fantasize. Books are for the strong, for the ones who can imagine so easily and for the ones who're still dreaming. Reading is for the smart, for the open minded.
People who do not read may be smart and have a well paid job but they are never going to be as happy as the bad paid painter who reads every day. Remember this and you'll stay as wonderful as you are"

My mother was a wonderful person and til this day I always read. It's like our promise to each other.

I start drifting off and I'm consumed with hateful thoughts against myself. This happens every time I'm thinking about my mother. She was the light in my darkness and when the light faded away I was left in the darkness.

I was 16, when she died. The doctors had diagnosed cancer about a year before she died. It was a brain tumor and she had a chance of 70% to survive but something happened and her brain gave up.

It's not like I actually want to hurt myself hut the need to cut is just there. My feet walk me to the bathroom and a minute later my arm is bloody and I grab a towel to clean it. They are kinda large this time and I'm sad to see that I was clean for 3 four days and now I broke the promise to my mother again. I don't deserve to live, I deserve to be dead.

I put a cloth on the new wounds and try not to cry. This time, I cut really deep and my wrist hurts like hell.

My life is so worthless and the only thing I'm thinking about is my damn wrist. There are only four days left until I'll never see the cute lip pierced boy again, but it doesn't matter, does it?

❄❄❄

So... 23 days ago, I saw Ashton, Luke, Michael and Calum. I'm still not over it and every day it's like: ahsudhnxkjejxjeudu. I love them so much, I wish, they would know who I am but I guess that will never happen :( What's cool is that I have a pic with Hey Violet and they are so so nice! And Rena retweeted my picture !!!

idk when I will upload again, English is not my first language and therefore it takes longer to write a text that doesn't sound like shit. Thanks for 247 reads :')

-becky
ps: follow me on Instagram, my name is 0nlyBecky