You came in my dreams again last night and turned them into a nightmare. You looked at me with the eyes you had the day I left. Actually no, I didn't leave. I escaped. Your eyes still haunt me. You seemed so desperate, you looked at me like I was the only thing keeping you sane. Like a lifejacket. But when you hold the lifejacket to push yourself to the surface, it sinks. And then it rises again. That's how I felt being with you. You know, it's odd that, that day your eyes held so much emotion. While they were so empty when you looked at me lying on the floor. Or when you told me what clothes to wear so I wouldn't look like a "whore". Like you cared. You were home all day. If you call that hole a home. When I'd get back from work I'd find you with that sick euphoric smile on your face and those white lines on your arm, lying on the couch. Then you'd look at me as if you were inviting me. And I'd leave again.
But you had your good points too. When we first met, at a park, you found me on a bench crying because I hadn't passed the exams to enter a university for a second time. And you stopped to talk to me even though I was a stranger. I wish you hadn't done that. You told me a "shitty paper" didn't define who I was and that they were the ones who missed out. And then you smiled at me. I really wish you hadn't done that.
I remember our first kiss, it was in a gas station. I don't even remember why we were there, as you didn't have a car. I despised the smell of gas but you liked it. I kept complaining about it until you crashed your lips into mine and everything seemed to fade into the backround, including the smell.
Your good points dind't last for long and every day I felt like I was sinking further and further and you were a chain attached to my leg. Until the day when I cut the chain and swam to the surface came. When I said goodbye to you it was like my feet gave a last push and I resurfaced completely.
Now I retook the exams and got into a university. I'm like all the other people you called "pawns of the system". At least I wasn't your pawn. If you saw me now, you probably wouldn't like me. Thank God.
I'm glad I wrote all this down. Now you won't be a permanent visitor of my dreams.
