nothing else but my heart's desire [COLLECTION] | FINISHED

Always / Never - ORIGINAL PROSE

I knew a woman back then, growing into herself as all do before they know the world and accept things for as they are, for better or worse, though they are beginning to know it as all girls know it, for it is an unwritten code for which all women and girls develop an instinct for as they live in this world; a blurry haze, recalled in extreme, painful detail, discomfort in abundance, living in a body I could not own as my own, for it were not my own, it were only a blank canvas for which others could project upon, with their own agenda, warping the truth as all distorters do - subtly, but noticably, with just enough truth to pass as concern, yet with just another lies to cause unease at their very words. I knew a woman back then, she became me as I am this day, through blood, tears and deep introspection, though not on her part, for she had always been there, growing alongside me, as my self were torn in two, only reuniting in a bond not out of love, but of desperation, of lost causes and dreams of something more abandoned as though it could never have been, it never would have been. With an acceptance of what always was and what would never be, I found, in the mud, myself as it had always been, for she had knowledge to give for a moment of my time. I joined her in the mud, I saw what she had suffered through as I searched for meaning, not in the tangible but in fleeting moments of validation, never to stay but always wishing for more in the process. And though I had seen the confidence of others shine through the dirt and grime they had to search through to find themselves, I could only find more mud, never reaching an end but always hoping for something more. I knew a woman back then, she were always me, and I her, even when I never wished her to be, and ignored her pleas, hoping for me to see the road to peace were paved not in gold, but in stone, in brick, in dirt and grime.