diary of a trans mans heartbreak

sex, drugs, and rock & roll

wow. just wow. my hearts aching as i write this. love is never real, is it? john barrowmans been with his boyfriend for 22 years and my parents 14 but i cant get a girl to date me for more than 3 fucking months. am i pathetic or what??

it was subtle at first. not replying to my texts, not answering my calls. it made me fret but i was so intoxicated by love that my blind faith led me astray.

She came over to my house for the night. I popped open a bottle of vodka and drank ourselves to hell. we began to kiss and she roamed her hands along my torso. god those hands- god that tongue! to put it in a few words, i lost my virginity. at the time i couldn't have been happier. i don't regret it. the most i had done before that is fondle some tits (with the woman's consent of course! (ex-girlfriend #2)) and nip some necks..

they say that sex is the best experience ever.. and jesus were they ever right! The best part is pleasuring your partner. YOU are the one making her moan like that and YOU are the one marking her silk skin. its a prideful feeling really. after we had awoken (drooling and hungover in each others arms) we made small talk, kissed a bit, and took dumb selfies. even after waking up she was absolutely gorgeous. every little lock of hair, every skin follicle was working together to create the goddess that took human form. god was she fucking perfect.

after she left i took a shower and wore a turtleneck for the rest of the day (to hide the hickies). the whole day i was smiling like a buffoon.

—

two weeks later i don't hear anything from her. dead end of the phone line. of course i freak out after a few days. my first instinct is that i did something wrong to make her mad at me. i called up and old friend and asked if she was still attending school. she responded yes and was concerned. i hung up before any further questioning and began to spam her phone with messages.

1 day later she replies. "stay away from me for your own good. ill end up hurting you. im a monster" as hard as i tried she wouldn't give me motives to her subliminal breaking up with me.

Every time i texted her she would respond "stay the fuck away."

i was terrified. Had i done something wrong? panic consumed me. i thought of every word we shared, everything i did. i didn't see any severe faults. when we had sex, it was completely consensual. when we talked i was respectful. When we kissed i didn't do anything out of funk. i was stumped.

after a while i got a phone call from her friend saying he would beat me up if i talked to her again and that she wanted me to stop harassing her."

at that point i was furious. i didn't think i was harassing her. Every few days i would ask if she would tell me her real motives for our breakup and she would bombard me with profanity. after a while she gave me the answer i didn't want.

"i never loved you."

that text sent my body into shock. every electron in my brain trying to de-crypt this coded message. all those times she would sent me text messages of love and passion. on our forth date when she looked into my eyes and whispered "im falling in love" and leaned in for a passionate kiss. when she breathed 'i love you' into my skin earning a shaky breath of arousal. i felt mortified, betrayed, humiliated.

"why." was all i could croak.

"because i felt pity on you. you were depressed and i wanted to make you feel better. now stay. the. fuck. away."

this woman.. this manipulative woman..

i didn't believe it. i COULDN'T believe it. i would understand if she had lost interest over our relationship- but this? telling me she never even cared?

before i could ever respond i got another text. from her current boyfriend.

"ill beat you to a pulp if you annoy her again. She needs a REAL man to take care of her, not one with a vagina."

that crushed me. i threw my flip phone against the wall watching it snap with a loud "CRACK" and fall to the floor. at that moment the door in my heart had slammed shut. i had burned the key and no one was coming in again. i had always known it. being transgender was hard and i knew she had treated me like a female in some aspects but not THIS. never THIS.

maybe im not meant to ever date. i know this is a pessimistic view from a 15 year old but.. it always ends in heartbreak right?

—

iv'e gotten over her.. somewhat. later on i had realized she was cheating on me. i found pictures online taken while we were dating. pictures of love. i was simply a pity puppet she could manipulate. i should have expected it really. she was experience in every way. she had already had sex with both genders, done a fuckton of acid, and was out partying ever weekend. meanwhile i was sleeping away, listening of dvorak, and playing my bloody trumpet.

it hurts. it really hurts.

occasionally ill visit her instagram and see what shes been up to. its pictures of her making out with her new boyfriend. her biologically male boyfriend. The captions filled with poems of love. same as she had done to me. i feel used. but maybe iv'e learned a lesson.

maybe im better off alone.