Obey Me ~ Lucifer X Reader ~ Luci Tales

the behemoth and alcoholism

I felt my head spin and gripped the sink with an iron fist, my knuckles flashed white while my face flashed green.

Then began the gurgling.

"You put what in her rum?!"mammon bellowed

"Shrooms!!! But thats not her rum, its mine!!" Asmo shrieked doing jazz hands

"Oh please! All rum in this house is y/n's!" Mammon cried

"I've done shrooms and normally this is not how it goes" Beel chimed in, concern rippling across his features.

Asmodeus flashed a shade of pink, his eyes lowered and he gazed awkwardly down at his highly pedicured hot pink toe nails.

"WHAT?!" mammon asked commandingly

"Uh oh...we all know that look" satan mumbled

"I...well" asmo paused for dramatic effect causing the simmering pot of rage boiling within Mammon to blow its lid"

"SPIT IT OUT DICKHAIR" the second eldest demanded

"They are death shrooms, they make you see the afterlife or rather how you personally feel your afterlife will be like"

"Oh no...y/n!" Mammon gripped my shoulders and shook me violently, foam ejected from the corners of my mouth

"Oh my devil incarnate" asmo sqeaked

"Your dead asshole, once i get my fists up your-"

"LADIES!!" a booming voice cut mammom off and silence followed for a short second after as heads turned to face the direction of the spine chilling, bone crunching, devestatingly deep voice.

"Calm the fuck down my friends....its all good, alls gold in ghoul town just relax, take a load off, take two" the man winked, his stature was great, mighty he was in height and width with shoulders spanning far greater than that of an american bald eagle. He had an interesting complection as if  simultaneously sunburnt and yet covered in chalk...he was a giant, a behemoth, a motherfucking massive man with pecks the size of breasts and lips as thick as a kardashians, his ass was plump and shook violently with every boom clap of his tone.

"Mother theresa" asmo moaned

"No! But close...i am her cousin...twice removed BUT! I am truly here to be a hero...my name is..."

He thrust a fist in the air and extended his index finger, his other hand was placed against his hip, he shuffled into a wide legged superhero stance and paused as if there was fucking time for that...

"GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT THEN!!" Mammon screached

"My name is....Rey...my name is rey"

The man known as rey cleared his throat and scratched at his chest, he pulled an elixer from his pants which we were all now noticing to be merely a loin cloth that concealed absolutly...yes you guessed it, NOTHING, leaving literally NOTHING to the imagination.

Asmodeous began drooling but not in the same way i was, i began to convulse violently against the shower curtain, wrapping myself up like a christmas gift and a half.

The big man shoved past the gang and snatched me up and i was placed into plank position in the bath, he opened my mouth with two hands and poured the elixer down my throat, i couldnt swallow as he didnt let go of my face and so it went straight down into my eosophagus without any help from anyone.

I almost choked but after four seconds preciscly i was fine.

The fine mist emenating from my eyes began to clear, the foaming at the mouth ceased and i was instantly sober.

"Thank you!!" Asmo cried, throwing his arms around the mans waist but because he was so much taller than all of us asmodeus was simply cuddling his loin cloth and the armchair sized bulge beside it.

(If anyone ever sees this, who i know in real life, i will kill myself)

"Your welcome tiny gay man" rey boomed

Mammon inhaled and exhaled for the first time in like ten minutes and looked me dead in the eyes

"Y/n...why were you even drinking in the first place?"

"I...uh...got stressed and took a swig thats all...needed a breather"

"Some breather" satan scoffed

Luci slapped him across the head with one quick thwack.

And then mammon proceeded to say the most dastedly thing he could have ever said to me...

"Y/n...we need to talk about your drinking problem"