Murder she wrote

Barely holding on

TW : Sexual asssault, death, manslaughter

"I get flashbacks, they come and go but lately it's getting too much. I barely sleep, everytime i close my eyes it haunts me, he haunts me. I need it to stop, please tell me how to make it stop" She whispered barely audible while her lips started to tremble.  Andy tried to refocus on staying strong, on finding her firefighter mentality and not show her emotions. It had been working for months now. But something changed. She looked around the office that she got all too familiar with these last months. The little brown couch with the carpet that matched the colour of the walls perfectly. It always looked the same, like a cozy living room which gave her some weird type of comfort that she couldn't really describe. The only thing that changed was the weather outside and the clothes of the therapist in front of her. 

Andy felt a few tears roll down her face and took a sip of the warm tea she was holding in her hands before looking at the therapist in front of her.  "Don't take this the wrong way but i'm glad you are showing your emotion. Everytime i've seen you before today you masked your feelings trying to laugh them away when talking to me and from what you've told me you acted like you've been fine towards your friends too. Can you tell me something more about the change you went through since our last appointment?" Donna asked while smiling friendly. 

"I'ts been hard being on leave."  She stayed silent for a few seconds before continuing. "After our last appointment i had a conversation with my new chief and i found out she isn't planning on allowing me to get back to work any time soon." Andy started to get a little frustrated and took a deep breath.  "I..... I just hoped i could start working again and everything would be okay. So i can move on from everything that happend and start to feel like myself again. Be the fierce firefighter i used to be. Be the one saving and taking care of others, instead i'm here as a jobless firefighter who needs to be taken care off." She took a sip of her tea "I.... I feel like a burden. I know you told me friends and family are there to support me through my highs and lows. But how do i ask for help. They all have their own life, their job is already so stressfull without my problems. I hate feeling weak and needy."  

"Andy feelings do not make you weak or a burden. You went through hell and back ,your friends want to be there for you, by not letting them in you are making this almost impossible. It's okay to be the one that needs support. No one will see you as weak, there is strenght in asking for help. You are still here after everything. Working on yourself and through trauma is one of the hardest things someone can do and i can see the strenght you maybe can't see yourself yet." Donna took some time before continuing "You told me about your life in one of our earlier sessions.  The loss of your dad, mom who abondened you, your best friend dying and go on. Can you tell me about the way you managed traumas before?" 

"When my mom died or well i thought she died. My best friend Ryan was there with me. I didn't allow myself to feel but he distracted me the best way a 9 year old kid could. He always has been my rock since we were kids and knew me better than i know myself. Since his death it's been hard to open up, to let someone see the real Andy underneath the firefighter and friend. I miss him, i miss a friendship where you don't have to ask for help or even talk." She choked up thinking about the loss of her best friend.  "My husband or well ex-husband now is the only one i let in after Ryans death. There was an instant connection between us. I know If i'd ask him he'd still be there to listen to me no questions asked. Something is holding me back from talking to him and i don't want to hurt him any more than i already have." 

"Andy you talk a lot about protecting other people and their feelings. But what about your own?" Donna asked "I usually try to distract myself by working and to push my feelings away. We both know that isn't working now." She let out a sarcastic laugh. "I care more about others and their wellbeing than my own i guess. A little part of me expects others to see that i'm struggling because i always see it when someone is in trouble or needs to talk. I know it's not realistic to think that way because not everyone is the same but i guess i miss that connection. The connection i had with Ryan and my husband. I know i should ask for help and not expect people to help without asking. Not sure if that makes any sense." Andy vented to her therapist and started to walk around in the office. 

Donna was taking a few notes to make sure this is something they will get into another time seeing there was not enough time to get into it right away. "It's human to think everybody works the same. Andy you are very sensitive and empathic, that is why you see when someone is struggling when others wouldnt even notice. It's hard when people can't read you like how you can read others. I see that we're almost out of time. How about we talk about this more in another session?" Andy nodded at her "Time flies when you're having fun doesn't it" She smiled.

"There is still some homework i'd like to give you. It will probably take a little while to get used to. I want you to write down your flashbacks/nightmares and with that i don't mean just writing down you had a flashback about let's say the assault but i want you to write the details . Writing down helps us track our spinning thoughts and feelings which can lead to important insights." Andy looked at Donna a bit confused. "Andy you have been through hell and back in the last few months. Your body holds on to all that emotion, trauma, fear and worry. When you write you create a powerfull connection between your experience and how your body reacts to it. This all will help you start to move forward and give every experience a place. It's going to be hard, that is why i'm proposing that we continue to see each other more often. What do you say about changing to weekly appointments?" Donna asked "Uhh yeah weekly is fine by me" She grabbed her calender and looked at her free dates "How about next wednesday at 11:30?" Her therapist asked. "Sure." Andy noted the appointment in her phone before standing up to leave the office. "Oh Andy wait" Donna grabbed a notebook and gave it to Andy "To get you started." Andy grabbed the notebook and nodded at her "Thank you. I'll see you next week!"