Say...

Say, Chan - need a break

"Say, Chan..." I muttered softly. While I was sitting up straight in his bed, back against the wall, he had been busy behind his laptop for a while now. "Hm?" he hummed back, making clear he was listening, even though he kept his gaze fixated on his laptop. I looked down at my lap, my thumbs fidgetting. "So..." I started off, stretching the time to give me more time to put my thoughts to words. "It's nothing big or anything," I added after a while, my mind in constant motion to find the perfect way to say what had been on my mind for a while now, my eyes batting between his back and my hands.

Chan shut his laptop closed, turning around in his chair, looking at me with that attentive smile of his. The one he'd give you when he's paying his full attention to you. I shut my eyes straight back to my hands again, suddenly feeling even more flustered. "No wait, just go back to work. It feels even more awkward to talk if you're looking at me like that," I blurted out, watching him turn around again without questioning it.

And so it was quiet for another minute again. Chan had reopened his laptop, typing softly, while my mind had still been racing. The moment seemed so calm if you were to look at it as an outsider, but Chan and I both know there were probably tons of words only waiting to be spat out like some sort of word vomit. "I was wondering," I started off again, finally beginning to organize my thoughts. "Do you ever just want to quit it all? Start a whole new life, and just... disappear from all you know?"

The typing on the keyboard stopped promptly, but he remained seated with his back towards me, silently waiting for me to continue. "I'm not talking about disappearing from this world if that's what you're worried about," I reassured him first of all, seeing his shoulders loosen up a little. "Just... how do I say this..." I glanced outside, watching yet another leaf fall from the tree right outside of the window. "More like quitting your job, or education, stay off the grid for a while."

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a bit. "I just feel like these days everything has been stressing me out, whether it's just another meeting or someone texting me to hang out for the third time this week. I'm just exhausted, and I honestly don't know how normal people go through life like this all the time. It's not that I don't want to hang out, or that I hate those meetings. The opposite actually. I love my friends and really am thankful for them, and when at the meetings it's never really that bad as I anticipate it will be, but I just simply don't think I can keep on going every single day having so many responsibilities or expectations. I want to have a week, or a month or two even, where I have nobody needing me, and all I have to do is rest. Nothing more than that."

The room grew quiet again, slowly starting to play mind tricks with me. Chan and I never really talked about anything like this. He must have noticed something was changing in my behavior and energy the past month or so, but he never asked, and I never said anything. Well, until now then, at the verge of a breaking point. I couldn't stop but wondering if I was the only one, especially looking at him. Even in the most stressful moments, he always seemed to have if together, like the bad things didn't even happen. Like those stressful moments meant nothing to him, as he'd work through them anyways. But it was those little bad moments that were slowly starting to ruin me.

Last week too. I hadn't told Chan about it yet, because I knew he would freak out, but yet another guy had harassed me. He already asked me for my number about a month ago, had me trapped, subtly, between where I was standing and the exit, and suddenly started talking me to, eventually asking for my number. I have to keep him content, was all that went through my mind back then, having had more rather difficult situations like it. So, I gave it. At that moment I just wanted to get out of that place that had suddenly felt like a prison I was trapped in. And well, the easiest way to do that was by giving in so he'd leave me alone.

I couldn't even remember his name, hence didn't even save the number. Though I truly tried to make myself believe that maybe I was exaggerating things, maybe he was just a nice guy, maybe thing would work out, the first thing he texted me was absolutely disrespectful. Something you can't quite call him out on, yet enough to know that you were right to feel a bit uncomfortable. Now, the part that was getting more and more difficult, was telling him I felt too uncomfortable to meet up.

I didn't think much of it for a while though. I tried to ghost him too in the hope he'd get the hint, but eventually got a call from an unknown number while watching a movie with another friend, asking if I could hang this weekend. I declined and quickly made up an excuse, hanging up again, but Felix too noticed something felt off. I really hoped I could just let it be as it was, keeping it all to myself, but even I knew that wasn't going to work now. And so I told my friend all that happened so far.

He still convinced me to tell the guy off though. "It should be easy if you communicate well with each other," he advised. I couldn't even disagree with him as much as I wanted to, because he was right. Communication is key, and ignoring the guy clearly wasn't going to work. So after typing out a message, putting my phone on silent for a bit, I hoped it would go away.

Not that it did though. The opposite actually. Spam calls from an 'unknown number', text messages calling me slurs, telling me to 'just come bitch', keeping on going even though I already blocked him. It wasn't until the friend of mine picked up with that deep voice of his until the guy stopped. I hadn't heard from him since, but it's scare still lingered around in my head. And even then, it was only that moment my friend realized about how wrong he had done me months before when he started taking advantage of me. We had both brushed over it like it didn't happen, both because we didn't want to acknowledge what had happened, but it was then that I realized just how fucked up it truly was. One harasser saving me from the other.

It's the moments like these, that make normal life so hard. Not necessarily because it keeps on haunting you forever, after a while you learn to live with those, but because you're expected to continue life with these moments happening. Been harassed? Work the day after, where you just have to keep a bright smile on your face for costumers. Had a neighbor pass? An assignment due you have to finish the same night. An exhausting day? A friend who wants to meet up again at night. And because it's so busy, all the feelings just get put aside, forgotten, but still felt. Random moments of exhaustion or sadness I just can't place, but deep down know it's from those put aside feelings. I'd try my best to work through them had I finally had time to, but this life wasn't going to give me that much needed space.

And that was exactly why I just wanted to leave all of those things in life behind. Start anew completely, like the words tabula rasa; an empty leaf. Something that has to be formed from the start, with nothing on it yet. No bad memories, no busy days. Just... nothingness. After a couple minutes in silence, Chan suddenly got up. He didn't say a word, but scooted in the bed right next to me, positioning the both of us so that I eventually sat inbetween his legs, my back leaning against his chest, and his arms wrapped around my waist. We sat like that for a few minutes, in silence, but feeling more safe than I had been in a long time.

"You know?" he said softly after a while. "Whenever you have a hard time, when things get harder, or when you have worries, or you're stressed... When you feel like that, if you can't tell someone, I think it's always good to hug someone. It could be yourself, it could be a pillow, it could be a wall. It could be... your mom, dad, it could be a sister, or a brother. It could be anyone, friends... For sure, when you hug someone, the feeling of hugging, I think it's just a great feeling. It feels so nice. It's great to give a hug to someone. 'Hugs make everything better'. I think that's a quote for today. When you have a chance, hug something or someone, or yourself. Please try that. Like this."

It was subtle, but he squeezed me just a little tighter than usual. "You've been holding on for so long on your own that I think you're forgetting that it's okay to rely on others too. You keep on trying to get through life by yourself, holding in all of the hard things, but if only you'd learn to rely on others, I think it might help a lot. And like I said earlier, you don't necessarily have to tell them. Just... give the person a hug when you need it. Let all the worries level out. Maybe they don't go away, but it could at least make life a bit more bearable for you." I turned around on the bed, hugging him back tightly, the tears starting to flow out in his chest. Finally all the emotions coming out I had been keeping inside of me, hidden behind a mask.

"So always find me, yeah? I'm not gonna leave you behind. Now or never."