AN: This is super short, more of a drabble, really...
"Wait, what?" I pause, holding the phone away from my face a few inches, making sure I'm still talking to the right person.
No, the contact is still labeled Gay Idiot. I must've heard him wrong.
"I'm a father."
"No, Charlie, you're not. Plants are not humans. Let's repeat after Carter: plants don't have brains and cannot talk and-"
"Some plants have brains," he interrupts me. "They're just small."
"Shut the hell up," I tell him. "I don't care about plants. You're delusional."
"Louis, talk to her. Maybe she'll believe you." I hear the shuffling as I'm figuratively passed to Louis.
"Hi Carty!" He says cheerfully.
"Hai Vuitton," I reply. "And that was a 'hai', like H-A-I, not H-I, in case you didn't get that."
"Okay." He responds. "O-K."
"Louis," I sigh, "it's only funny when I do it." I can hear Charlie laughing in the background. "Shut up, Charles, you're the idiot who thinks that you're the father of an organism that lives off of sunlight and cytoplasm."
"Cytoplasm is in the cell, it doesn't really help the plant live, it's more of a factor." Charlie states, sounding muffled.
"Am I on speaker?" I get affirmative sounds from the both of them and sigh, because the two literally can't do anything on their own, including making a phone call. "Anyway. Someone explain."
"We're fathers, Carty!" Louis says, loudly, he's closer to the phone than my brother.
I roll my eyes, "Merlin, Lou, not you too. Let me repeat: plants are not humans, plants are not humans-"
"Are babies humans?"
"Excuse me?" I cough.
"Babies are humans, right? Baby girls?" Charlie prompts.
"Well, of course babies are humans." I reply slowly.
"So the child in our living room right now doesn't make us fathers?" Louis is smiling, I can tell.
I cough, "You're kidding me."
"No," Charlie says proudly, "She's real and she's here and she's ours."
"Shit," I respond. I want to say something else, but I can't think of anything. So I keep it short with the one word.
"Yeah." Is the simple response I get back.
"You fucking idiots," I say, laughing out loud. "You got a child without telling me?"
"It was supposed to be a surprise," Louis says quietly, I think he thinks I'm mad at him, at them. I'm not. I'm shocked, but I'm not mad. "We didn't know until, like, yesterday and we wanted to keep it to ourselves for a bit."
"She's beautiful, Carter, you need to come see her." Charlie's saying softly, but I'm not listening, I'm pulling on my shoes with one hand.
"Okay," I say, "O-K-A-Y, the whole word, you're worth it." That's a serious complement. My new niece should be honored.
Merlin, I'm messed up, I've just become an aunt, and all I can think about is spelling.
"And you're not pulling my wand?" I ask, knowing they weren't. "She's not a plant?"
"Promise, Carter," Louis says, "You'll see, we can do this."
"Sure," I respond. "You guys are responsible adults and you totally know how to raise a girl."
There's a faint crying that rings in the background, followed by a "shit", telling me two things at once: one, the two weren't kidding, they were fathers; and two, they had no idea what they were doing.
I hang up the call, ignoring it when Charlie calls me back, instead Apparating over to their flat.
"Ohai," I say, scaring them as I announce my presence behind them. "O-H-A-I, let me see the baby."
Charlie walks to the windowsill and shows me a pot, smirking.
"Ha ha ha," I laugh sarcastically. "But really."
Louis moves a step to the side, revealing a tiny, tiny, baby. She's got way long blonde hair for her age, but that's the magic in her. She's smiling, showing that she's a cheery baby, which is what they need; someone willing to put up with them.
"Lacy," Louis tells me softly. "Lacy Jane."
