Suicide would be easier

Tears dont solve anything.

*phone rings*

I groan as I wake up my phones ringing off the hook.I try to reach for my phone but my body hurt.it takes all the strength in me to get my phone out of my pocket.once I have my phone in my hand I see thats its alexis my on & off girlfriend for 3 yrs.Right now we wernt together.I answer on the second ring.

"hello" I say in my groaky voice

Dre where the hell are you ?what tf are you doing ?why you not answering? she questions me

I'm gonna call you back.then I hang up.I mange to slide myself against the wall so that im sitting up.17 missed calls 23 text messages. how long have I been out I question as I look at the time. 11:00pm.Fuck I say to myself I told my aunt I'll be out for a hour.its now 3 fucking hours later.tears stream down my face as I realize it was real I was just raped by my so called bestfriend.I put my head in my hands praying it was all a nightmare.my phone rings again its alexis.like wtf I cant have 5 minutes to myself.I ignore her call as I scroll threw my call logs.my aunt has called me 6 times.Damn so I call back.Dre are you okay? she asked I can hear the worry in her voice.yea im on my way home I say quietly. Dre im gonna kill you I been trying to cover for you for hours she screams threw the phone.I hang up.crawling to the sink pulling myself up I look in the mirror trying to fix myself up a little.buckling my jeans fixing my bra, shirt then searching for my jacket. its laying across the room.I slide it on. Damn my lip is bleeding and my eye is swollen shut as I look in the mirror. the hell did he do.after not finding anything to clean my face off with I decide to just tell my family the truth.I walk outside the fresh winter air burns my cut lip.I wince in pain.but continue to wall.my body is killing me.I walk threw the alley to to the street.I can see my grandma house in the distance.I scroll threw my text to see my aunt & alexis mange to blow up my phone.I see a text from my current girlfriend janay.she just asking about her dog I reply hes fine.then slide my phone back into my pocket.then it rings again this time its him kuis my so called bestfriend that just took my virginity and drugged me.he had text me asking was I okay? I replyed furiously hell no you raped me!!!!! he texted back fast "I know im sorry please dont tell your mom you know she gonna tell my mom.I thought about it I wasn't gonn tell my mom I knew it would start a war since she was bestfriends with his mom.I replyed "okay as you dont tell nobody at ALL !!!!!"He replyed slowly "who would I tell we dont have the sam friends" I typed fast get I got angry so I was typing fast as hell."it dont matter dont tell nobody kuis !" he was right we dont have the same friends we went to two different high school only mutal friends we had was the ones we went to elementary school with who lived around the neighborhood.I locked my phone I was in front my grandma house when I looked up.Tears were streaming down my face.I hadn't even noticed.I look up to see the usual fam on the porch smoking cigarettes.my uncle said dre you missed dinner go make a plate.I stood there at the bottom of the steps hiding my face trying to get myself together.then I decided to go for a walk.I walked away.I walked & cryed & cryed until I had no tears left.my phone kept ringing until I finally answered.Yes alexis I say trying to sound annoyed instead of hurt.whats wrong? she says.damn she knows me so well.I tryed changing the subject but I tell her everything so maybe she could help.I explained what happen to me and all she can say is damn it made me so fucking mad.I hung up.I walked towards the river and sat down.As usual when shit get bad here comes "let me make it worse jamie"jamie is the voice in my head the negative one who always makes it worse hes 21.I just want to be alone sit her quietly. but jamie being jamie that wasn't going to happen.Drea its your fault why it happen what person really let you have a whole blunt to yourself? yours so stupid.! he says shut up I scream.kiara the nice always so positive voice she 22 years old.she says its not your fault you trusted him you should have he was suppose to be your friend! taymar the kool calm collect inbetweener is 21. he speaks up it could have happen to anyone you just need to be more aware..I ignore the rest of the convo between me & them.this is why I always carry my blade with me for when I get sad.I take my blade out my pocket & began to cut the blood drips down my arm and onto my pants.it blends in with the blood from my lip.After I let out a little more tears I wipe my face and began to walk back to my grandma house.when I finally walk threw the door my grandma house is packed with my family. I fake a smile and get mad why is everybody so happy.Seem like everyone wants to know what happen to my face i just tell them all i'll explain later.when i see my mom her face looks angry and sad i can tell she asking what happen.avoiding her I walk up the stairs to my aunts room plop down on her bed and stare at the ceiling while she talk to me about her cheating baby father.I nod ad occasionally mhm'ing pretending im listening. Where were you? Drea? where were you why didnt you answer.?what happen to your face? I come out of the daze.I was playing pool got hit with the stick im fine I say convincingly. she laugh and said well look like you two had a fight and the stick beat that ass damn dre you need some ice like now.! I get up go to to bathroom I had to pee.I pulled my pants down and sit.it hurts to pee I wince in pain.I look down into my boxers ugh blood fuck I say loudly. I get a wash rag out the cabinet and clean between my legs.this hurts so bad.tears start to form in my eyes.My aunt burst the door.just my fucking luck.she sees my bloody boxers around my ankles.I should have locked the door.it wasn't a problem her walking in it just she came at the wrong moment.You need a tampon she say as she looks in the cabinet for one.yea thanks tiff I say as she exits the bathroom locking the door behind her.I stare at the tampon trying to figure out if this is what I was suppose to do.I was trying to wonder am I bleeding was because I never had sex or what I was confused. so I just went for the tampon. after a couple minutes trying to put it in I gave up.I use tampons all the time but it hurt so bad.I just fold some tissue and place it in my boxers.I grab another rage to clean the blood off my face.my birthday comes the next day and I fake a smile all day long

*****

A week go by and im sadder and sadder each day. January 20. I wake up look in the mirror my stomachs getting a little bigger.maybe im eating to much.I decided to go to the doctors to get checked out for std hiv & all the other stuff.im clean.the doctor enters the room with a confused face.drea Johnson right? yes I say she askes me that every time she enters the room. but this time is different.you said you were a lesbian right? yea I answered annoyed. well she says slowly scratching her head in a confused manner.you pregnant ! she trys to smile.but I can tell she trying to figure out how.I get light headed hopeing I didnt hear what she said.I grab my stuff and head for the door.I gotta get to school. I change my mind and head for the river I sit there lost confused crying. I take my blade and unbuckle my pants.