Dear Ma, I am sorry I failed. I am sorry for not living up to your idea of me. I feel miserable, I have always been miserable but today I just don't find it me to put a mask on and smile.
Dear Ma, I am sorry, I am sorry for fucking up and then not making up.
I feel like I am drowning and you are the only floater which can save me.
Dear Ma, all these times that you taught me to be a strong girl because there is no place for cowards in this world, I kept sweeping my fears under the carpet and starting faking in hope to make it but dear ma, I can't. I can't. I just can't.
Dear Ma, today we were sitting together and talking, after ages. I was just telling you about random things and even though you didn't get the reference, you heard and occasionally responded. It felt good, just like old times. There were times when I wanted to get up and hug you. Times when I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for fucking up and never making up. I noticed your wrinkles today, the way your wrist ached while opening the tight jar, the way you had to scrunch your nose to read the tiny words written on it, I noticed that you are growing old and even though there are times I want nothing else than to get away from you, the thought of you growing old, scared the shit out of me.
The line, kya jldi jldi bade ho gye na hum hit me hard today and I couldn't shake off this fear off me. The fear of growing up, the fear of loosing you. All these times I held so many grudges against you but life is too short to hold onto something that will do nothing but put more distance between us.
Dear Ma, I just want to hug you and pass on a few years of my life to yours. I just want to take away your wristaches and weak eyesight because they remind me of the few years that I have with you.
You know I often get excited when I think of college, a few parts of me get excited because I'll go to my dream land where everything will be rainbows and sunshine and a few parts of me, the ones I hate to admit out loud gets excited because I will go away from you, from your constant taunts and yelling but today when I thought of college, the only thing that crossed my mind was how you won't be there with me to share my rainbows and sunshine, how I won't be able to hug you and kiss you every morning and see you scrunching your nose and giggling everytime I did it.
Dear Ma, I am scared, everything around me is changing so fast and I can't seem to get a hold of it. I feel miserable, I feel empty, I feel like I am drowning. Everything, everyone around me just keeps messing up with my head, with my heart and all I want to do is come and sulk to you about it and hide in your arms forever. There is a knot in my chest which I can't manage to get rid of, it's a knot of unshed tears and a lot of hidden fears. Dear Ma, can we please pause time? Can we atleast slow it down a bit? Because it hit me hard today that despite your constant bickering, you are the only one that makes everything better, you are my rainbow and sunshine.
