TEACH ME PROFESSOR [Elizabeth Olsen]

Chapter 42 - Face to face with myself

LIZZIE'S POV

She screams at me with anger and hate.
"You're dead to me!" she repeats to me, i throw myself at her feet, kneeling and begging her to stay, but she turns and walks away.
I scream, scream more than ever, my belly hurts with pain but i don't care, i just want her to hear me, i want her to turn around and come back to me.
I can't live without her.
"I love you" i try to scream at her but my voice doesn't come out of my mouth.
"I love you" i scream even louder but nothing, i lost my voice and i lost her too, forever.
I scream while tears burn my face.
"It's my fault, it's my fucking fault! I hate, i hate myself so so so much!" i scream at myself pulling and tearing my hair.
I lost her
I lost everything
I lost the love of my life.

I still scream trying to let out all the pain i have inside, but nothing seems to make me feel better, i just want her, i want to be in her arms.

"Lizzie, Lizzie hey can you hear me?"
"Y-y-n?"

Did she come back to me?

"Lizzie wake up, it's me Scar, come on sweetheart" i open my eyes losing all hope i had in finding her here next to me.
I burst into tears desperately and Scarlett hugs me tightly while i cry on her chest.
"Come on darling, everything will be fine, i'm here with you" she consoles me but that's not what i want, or rather, who i need.
"I lost her Scar, i lost her forever" i say sobbing
"No hey, we'll find a solution okay? She will forgive you i promise you" i look at her and she gives me a warm smile, wiping the tears that constantly slide down my face
"Now try to calm down" she adds and i breathe deeply.
"Sorry, i'm definitely a problem for you, i've surely woken up your children and Colin i didn't want-"
"Hey hey it's alright Liz, i told you to come here don't worry" she asks and i nod.
"How about if i make you some tea, see you'll feel better" she says getting up from the bed in the room she kindly gave me to stay and sleep at her.
"Thanks Scar, for everything you're doing for me" i tell her and she leaves me a kiss on the head in return
"You're my friend Liz, you know i would do anything for you" she smiles at me and then goes to the door.
"Scar?" i call her and she turns back to me
"Why didn't i tell her?"
"What honey?" she asks
"Why didn't i tell her i love her?" i ask with tears in my eyes.
"Do you love her Lizzie? Do you love y/n?"
"Yes, now i understand i love her so much" i admit and i almost feel a weight release from my chest, i'd never said it out loud.
"Then you shouldn't ask me this question but yourself. What are you so scared of, Liz? What's stopping you from living a happy life with the one you love?" and after that she goes away leaving me alone with my doubts and my thoughts.

I was afraid, afraid to question everything that in 33 years with pain and sacrifice i've built in my life and in my career.
To question everything again, after having found what i thought was balance and a worthy life is not easy and i don't want to find excuses for what i did to her, because i was horrible with her, but i wish someone would understand me sometimes, i would like not to be the villain of the story.
I've been hiding that side of me for perhaps too many years, never admitting it to myself and all of a sudden someone comes into my life who upsets everything and brings out the real me that like it or not, is part of me.
And i was afraid to come out, to tell everyone, my family and friends who i really am, not because there is something wrong but because for years i have always been Elizabeth, the straight girl who always has dated only and exclusively guys and ended up in this circle without ever being able to get out when in reality i wanted to deep inside myself.
I've always been a model girl, i was trying to make everyone love me, i was always trying to be accepted and i was trying to be the best version of myself. Looking especially at my sisters, i didn't want to be a disappointment for my family, i didn't want to be outdone and so i built a life of lies and secrets for the only purpose of being seen well in the eyes of the people i loved.
The older i got, the more i hid this part of me.