The Time Away From Myself

0: September 22

Physical Appearance:
appropriate appearance, well-appearing, and well-nourished

Oriented to:
-Person: Yes
-Place: Yes
-Time: Yes
Telemedicine meeting is from her apartment.

Relatedness:
engaged

Eye contact:
good

Attitude:
cooperative

Motor Behavior:
normal

Affect (clinician's impression):
appropriate

Mood (by patient report):
euthymic

Speech Quality:
clear with normal rate, rhythm and volume

Thought Process:
logical

Insight:
present

Sensorium:
intact

Attention/Concentration:
intact

-

There's this story of this drug dealer who would sell random medications and claim they're opioids, able to cure the pain of all who use it. Customers would flock to him because of the availabilities, and nobody could truly tell the difference until some people were helped and some people got a lot more issues in their lives from taking unnecessary medications.

Either way, the ratio of those hurt was slightly less than if they had developed that opioid addiction.

And either way, that man was caught and jailed. His stupidity had him mailing these drugs out with a return address, his scheme didn't last long.

—

She sat staring at a wall, her hospital gown swallowed her as the blankness swirled around her.

She'd imagined this to be different, she'd imagined being checked into this hospital to feel less like a jail cell. But, they'd chained her to a bed upon arrival, claiming she wasn't safe around herself when actually she'd been the one to walk herself there.

All she could think about was how large her medical bill would be after this. She'd have much rather stayed at home where her neighbors cat could scratch at her door each morning and her cute neighbor could stop by and acknowledge her existence while picking up his pet.

"Hey," she called out to a passing volunteer. The seemingly young student wore a blue coat and tan pants, her gaze was fixed, but she'd turned and entered the room upon being called for.

"Hi!" She smiled brightly, that flicker of hope, of wanting to help others still present in her eyes. The patient glanced at her and scowled.

"Can you get me a doctor, I think it's time I go home." The woman said as the volunteer's smile faltered. Disheartened at the prospect of interrupting a busy physician, she nodded and went to search for someone who would give her the time or day.

When she found the doctor, he yelled at her for wasting his time and a kind nurse took the volunteer aside to offer words of affirmation.

"You're doing a good job," the nurse told her, his mustache curling at the ends, "the doctors are just extra stressed right now with the new virus that's spreading, don't take it personally. In this professional field, we shouldn't take anything personally."

The volunteer nodded and made her way back to the patients room.

"So?" The patient snarled, eying the handcuffs that chained her to the bed and memorizing every feature on the volunteer's face.

"Um..." the volunteer could feel the sweat trickling down her neck as her eyes shifted to the chart and the name on the door, "Miss... um... Stephanie, I don't have that information."

Stephanie felt her heart sink, regretting once again her decision to check herself in. And instead of showing her anger and disapproval, she instead shut her eyes and went to bed.

-

I'm in a new reality.

I know this as soon as I wake up, there's an odd pink hue streaming through my window as rain slams against it outside and I know everything will be the same, but slightly different.

Last time this happened, I lost my job on that day. My local coffee shop brought back my favorite drink and I aced an exam I barely even studied for.

Something changes every time, and I feel like none of it is the same timeline that I'd originally been in.

The people are all the same, the places are always the same, but something is seemingly off. Perhaps I've changed my life plans too often that the thin line between dimensions fumbled and ripped.

On this morning, November 3, something feels off, but in a good way. I wake up and I know it'll be a good day. I know my coffee shop will have my favorite drink and I know I'll apply to new jobs today. But my eyes drift to the calendar and the wrong date appears.

Things will be okay. Everything always works itself out.

Perhaps it's all imagined, but there's no way my brain can be this confused every morning.

I can hear my neighbor snoring lazily on this humid day, I smile at the thought, this is at least one thing that's always the same. His pet cat, Charlie, is already pawing at my door and I smile at the normalcy of it all. He somehow always knocks the second I wake up, as though he can sense it somehow.

It's not for a couple minutes of meowing and door-scratching that my neighbor's snoring stops abruptly and I hear water running. Yellow light pours gracefully through my window now, illuminating the room as a cool warmth fills it and I know it's the first day of fall. The rain has stopped and the world seems to flip.

Footsteps approach my door and I smile because I know he will knock. Because I know he will wish me a good morning. That's the normalcy I crave.

And just like clockwork, the meaws stop and a soft knock replaces them. I feel giddy today, which is normal, but new. I'm thankful my routine remains.

"Morning...?" He asks as he always does, unsure of what version of me he will see today. I open the door and can't stifle the giggle when I see the cat trying to escape his grasp.

"You never cease to amaze me." I giggle and I feel like I'm in a dream as Charlie struggles and ends up jumping out of his arms.

The weather, the sun that came out of nowhere, the smiling man in front of me holding his cat, it's all too beautiful and too surreal to be real.

"Good thing I never try," he dumbly says and I laugh.

"What're your plans for today?" I ask, my smile reaching from ear to ear as I look down at him. His dark brown eyes began shimmering as he crosses his arms.

"Well Steph, I think I'm going to your runway show tonight after work." He smiles cheekily and I can't help but mirror it.

"You got a job?" I ask, and as if the world had been hazy and suddenly became clear, he fades out of my line of sight.

And then I wake up.