Wishing Star [Harry Styles]

15 || Suicide attempts

Jesse

I breathe as I stared at my reflection with a nice dark orange dress that ends exactly below my knees. It was the right length I wanted for my body. I need to get ready for Jake since he's taking me out tonight. Thinking about spending time again with him makes me wanna go cry into a corner and thank God repeatedly on how he grant my wishes. I've been wishing about this day to come since I was fourteen. God knows how I wanted him.

God I sound so thirsty. I chuckled to myself.

I neatly pinned my bangs into a side and perfectly combed my hair and pulled it over into my right shoulder. I don't need makeups, that's why I just left my make up free face and move along to find my shoes to fit with my outfit.

My outfit is not that sexy or what they always say 'hot', I think my dress is perfectly fine for some simple dinner.

My dress have this pretty lace detailing at the end of it's sleeves and I love how the dress have a perfect smooth clothing long sleeves. I bought this dress a few months ago when my mom decided for us both to go shopping. I remember when my mom wanted me to buy that black fit strapless dress that ends exactly below my bum and it's really funny how I refused to have it.

I think it's pretty.

I think it's beautiful.

I think it's perfect.

It's just that - it doesn't look good with me wearing it.

Confidence. One syllable, ten letters, one word. A simple word that contains alot of pride to have it. A simple word that increase one hundred percent of your beauty. A simple word that makes you feel good about yourself. A simple word that all of the students in my school have. A simple word that my mom wanted me to have. And a simple word that I badly so needed to have.

I've been through alot. I have so many complications in life. First, my breathing. Since I was a kid, I always have this kind of lack of oxygen or air in my body. I hate having asthma. It makes me feel so weak. I feel like whenever I got attacked by this, I feel like I just wanted to give up and let myself die. But ofcourse, I don't want to. I have so many inspirations in life. My mom wanted me to finish college and that is my goal right now. I wanted to prove all of this to my mom up there that she raised me perfectly and strong. I want her to be proud by me. I want her to be happy.

Second, my anxiety and suicide attempts. Yes, I cut myself. I hate society. I hate the way what people on my school thinks of me. I hate it so badly and that's the reason why I decided to cut myself. That also reminded me that I've been not doing this for a while already. Should I feel proud about myself? I feel like I've became so busy about Harry this past few days and to be honest, he helped me to forgot all of my problems and that is really amazing. He's helping me without even trying.

No one knows about my cutting except for my bestfriend, Tyler. He doesn't support me with this things though. I remember when we were both drunk and he started crying because I was holding a knife that night and I'm already ready to shove it in my neck. Thinking about it right now makes me wanna laugh at myself for my stupidness. I was just fifteen. Is it even my fault to get ripped off your clothes by some people at your school and got humiliated by infront of hundreds of people? Is it funny how hundreds of people saw your whole naked body and they even started taking a picture of it? Is it even entertaining to watching me crying?

I think not.

Ring. . .

Ring. . .

Ring. . .

I snapped my head over the ringing device that was placed down at the bottom of my bed. I walked towards it and gently took it in my hands. I unlocked the screen and furrowed my eyebrows as an unknown number is calling.