Her Derange

"S-seunggi? Is, is that really you?" I brush my hair away from my face, as I come face-to-face with the person I loved, and love. The person I still haven't got over.

His eyes got darker, yet not heavy. Not like before. His hair was of a lighter shade, whereas ten years ago, his hair was a dark shade of brown. 10 years brought him change, and he looks happy. I haven't seen him in this state, ten years ago.

"Oh? Eunji? I, wait, Eunji?" He reaches for my pulse, and swerves my hand from my face. I swear I must've froze when I looked at his physical aspects. "Ah, yes! It's you!" He pulls his hand back, as I take a quick glance at it.

I want to pull it back, and hold it between both my hands. I want to tell him, that I still love him. That I never moved on. That I hope he feels the same too.

"How has it been?" He asks cheekily, and I look down. He's happy alright, I can feel the vibe. There's something about him after ten years that burned. Maybe it was his cheeks, in this cold winter season.

"Ten years. Yup, I'm..." pained because I never got over you. "Very fine. You? You changed a lot!" I respond. I want to touch his hair, and study his face more. I want to touch that long nose that doesn't look like it changed. I want to hold those cheeks, the same cheeks I held ten years ago.

Can I still hold it now?

"Yeah, ten years. That'd been long, right?" He looks away and sighed as the cold wind brush off his lips. He's still cute. "Well, I don't think I've changed a lot. I'm really hyped and somehow busy nowadays. Chaerin and I are getting married two months from now, and we're expecting a baby!" He laughs and looks at me again, smiling. "How about you? How are you doing, are you married?"

All I can do was stare at him, mouth hanging narrowly. And I crumble and fall, inside. He's happy. He's getting married, and having a baby. He's telling me about his fiancée. He's happy, and I'm not even a part of his happiness.

I look down as I fight the urge to cry. I have been crying myself to sleep every night for ten years. Ten years, I've been reminiscing about us. I kept thinking that we'll get back to each others arms. That I can still have that spot in his heart back. I read a lot of books with happy endings, because I kept thinking that would happen to us.

"I, ugh..." because ten years ago, I was hoping that someone would bump your shoulder accidentally out here in the streets, in a cold winter season, and that someone would ask how your life is going. And you're going to tell him about me, about us. "Am very happy too, I am married."

I lie. I raise my right hand, showing the finger next to my pinky. A wedding ring.

"O-oh?" He looks at my finger oddly, and just smile awkwardly. Oh, his smiles. "Y-you never told me though, you didn't even invite me!" He looks at me with a 'i-hate-you' look playfully. Huh, how can I invite you when--

"Um, Eunji, I gotta go. I need to go buy flowers for Chaerin. So, bye! I hope to see you again!" He walks away and waves back at me. I force my left hand up and look at him.

As soon as he turns his back, I crumble on the street floor. His smiles. His laughs. Everything was genuine. And I'm not the reason for it. And it hurts, just like the day he broke up with me, ten years ago.

The pain feels so fresh. It feels like it was the second he told me sorry. When he turned and left. Ten years isn't enough. Everything wasn't enough.

And I thought the pain lessened. It still hurts the same. Liar. Time never heals anything then.

My phone chirps loudly indicating a call, as I ignore it. They will have to wait until I get back. I don't want to get back.

It chirps loudly again, and with my shaking fingers, I reach for my phone in my jacket's pocket. I don't want to leave. I want to stay here.

"What?" I answer, without minding the caller ID. I know who this is.

"Eunji, you need to get back. Where are you?"

"I'm not going back."

"Eunji, please... You saw him right?"

My eyes water. I want to scream, I want to crash and burn. If this weren't a street, I would.

"Yeah."

"Eunji, please. Tell me where you are, come back here. He knows about your condition, already."

I hesitate as I pulled the strings of my jacket. I'm not sure if I'll be alright if I come back. But I'm equally unsure if I stand on my own here.

"678 street, Myeongdong. And I know, I'm not stupid."

"I'm sending the mental ambulance there now. Eunji, please don't go away. Stay there, we can talk this through later."

"Okay."

"Why did you leave here?"

I wanted to see him, Seungri. I wanted to see the man I loved for ten years. Even if it's only a second, even if it's just a glimpse.

"The mental institution isn't helping, Seungri. It still stings fresh."

And I know he can't answer me this time. I slowly lower the phone and press 'End.'

Seunggi, do you know about the wedding ring? I am married to you! I am married to you for ten years! I married you.

I married you. I married you. I married you.
I held unto my wedding ring as I hear the sirens. The familiar sirens that took me in ten years ago. And the wedding ring that I imagined that was on my hand.