The Real Me (BXB)

Chapter Six

Trigger warning suicidal thoughts

Hayden

I looked down at my father,no at Henry ,having so much to say and ask, yet nothing came out.Seeing him on the ground, his head by my feets, begging to forgive him left me speechless.

I began moving to the living room but didn't get far when my father held me again ,,Please son,please. I'm sorry.I know ,I don't deserve it but please let me be a part of your life .Please, I'm sorry.I'm sorry. Please, please.Please forgive me ."

,,Now you want to be a part of my life?Interesting."

,,I know , I'm so sorry, but please ..." ,, Just stop!" Henry looked at me as if his whole world was coming to an end.

,,We should talk, because I think neither of us knows what's going on, seeing that we both were fed with lies it seems."

He nodded agreeing with me and we both made our way to the couch. Staring at each other, I could still see the tears that were on the brink of falling down. ,,She always told me that you two were going along well and that everything was going well, but I can see that this is probably not true. The way she spoke to you and that word that she called you... was she always,I mean did she always ...".His unfinished question on his tongue, he probably was too scared to ask, but I stayed quiet looking at him, wondering how this conversation would be going? Would he believe me? Someone who was never here. Someone who avoided me as if I was the pest! Did I even care about him believing me?Of course I did and it made me angry that I did.

,,Son, are you angry that I-I threw her out?Did you want her here with you, I'm sorry.Your mother..."

,,Don't call her that ",I yelled at him.The more I heard her being referred to as my mother the more it made me sick. ,,Why?"I asked him.

,,Hayden?"

,,Why?" So many things I wanted to ask him. Why weren't you here?Why did you leave me alone? Why did you hate me? Did you hate me for being gay?Why did you avoid me?Why did you abandon me? Why did you rarely talk to me? Why wasn't I important to you?Why did you defend me ealier?Why did you believe her? Why did you marry someone like that? Why did you love somone like that?

And why couldn't you love me?Why ? WHY? Tears started welling.

,,Hayden, son I ..."

,,Do you know that I hate myself?"

Taken aback,his eyes grew wide when he saw me smiling about it.

,,I hate my thoughts,my feelings,the way I look, my voice , just everything, I hate to be me .And I know that there is nothing wrong with being gay, even if you and so many other people feel different about it but I can't help it, I hate myself for being gay.I hate myself for not being"normal", for not liking girls. I remember you telling me to always be honest with people and myself.Well what if I hate that person? That person who shouldn't have been born in the first place.This hateful person that couldn't even end it because he was too scared."

Henry started crying again wanting to say something but I wasn't done.If I don't say it now I probably couldn't find the strength again.

,,So I actually can't blame you for hating me because I do too, but I'm still mad that you do. Funny isn't it. Wow I really make no sense ." I had to laugh at my pathetic self.

,,I don't hate you son and I never did. I could never hate you",he looked at me sincerely and just so sad.

I got up from the couch and looked at the ground my shoulders shaking.And then...

I began laughing, I couldn't stop it ,Henry looked at me just oh so confused.I laughed for a good minute until it died down and then I lost it completely.