Kick It Up A Notch - Starkid

To Have a Home

Today is weird. She came back and asked to use my phone, wanted to make a call, she disappeared into the bedroom and hasn't come out all night.
I'm tempted to go in but I know she's got personal problems.
Just as I'm thinking about calling Meredith to see what happened she comes out of the room, a smug grin on her face.
'What?' Though I can't help but smile, she hasn't looked this happy since we got here.
'Nothing," but she won't stop smiling, it's kind of unnerving, "here's your phone.'
'Right!' I say, 'time for pizza.'
'Ugh, I love pizza! That is going to be totally awesome.' I whip round, could she know? But she smiles innocently.
We decide on our toppings and I make the call. We sit down to watch a film and she's pretty adamant we watch Harry Potter.
Whilst eating my slice the topping starts sliding off so I have to lift the slice up and catch it in my mouth, I hear giggling, 'you know, that would be cool if you were actually hot.'
I smile a little and she laughs.
'I didn't think you knew who we were.'
'I didn't. When we were out someone approached Meredith and she told me to watch Starkid on YouTube, I didn't know you were famous.' She's spun round so she's cross legged facing me on the sofa, wearing leggings and a vest with a hoodie over it, she looks kind of effortlessly stunning.
'They're just silly musicals we make, that people like them is just lucky.'
'People don't just like them, you've seriously affected lives. I read the comments on the show, people talking about how your shows helped them through deaths and illnesses, so many people saying on your songs helped them stop self harming. It's amazing and they're too.'
'I never read the comments, I just.. I see people at concerts but I guess I never think about it actually effecting lives. We just make musicals?'
'You give people hope.' She smiles contently and I smile back.
'People like?' I want her to open up, to feel safe, to have a home but she seems scared.
'People with problems. People like everybody.' She won't look me in the eye now, she just continues fiddling with a slice.
'I want you to feel safe here. You're safe with us, you can stay as long as you need.'
'I do,' she smiles sadly, 'I've just, I have things that I'm not dealing with by being here.'
'I like it when you smile, you don't smile a lot,' instantly I see this is a mistake, the smile drops from her face and she turns towards the TV.
'Lets just watch the movie.'
'Why do you do that?' God... Well, I've started now.
'Do what?' She asks, obviously feigning uninterest.
'Brush off complements? I'm saying something nice, you should accept it. I don't lie.'
She looks at me with a deep sadness in her eyes, 'I just find it hard to accept that people are genuine, particularly when it comes to saying nice things to me. It just feels like they're laughing. So I just ignore it because that way it hurts less when it gets taken back.'
The look on her face cuts me to the core, she looks so alone, so vulnerable it makes me want to cuddle her up in a blanket and build a pillow fort round her.
'You can trust me, I won't lie to you and I certainly won't take back complements.' I try and give my most open smile and she smiles back.
I think we just had a moment, I think I'm breaking through to her.
She is thawing.