Behind the screen / H.HJ Centric (HIATUS)

secret secret

,Big brother?'

Chest tightened and it felt like someone wrapped a string around my neck .

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Present

He fucked up bad. It's now the  January 26th  2022 and Hyunjin is sitting on his Bed , lost in thoughts . Should he get help? No. Never . Yes . Yes?. Hell No. Maybe?. Definitely not.

Definitely not. 

He would fix himself by himself . Everyday this single sentence made it's self into the boys mind , not letting go of him .  Tears ran down Hyunjins caved in cheeks . By now he's not recognizable anymore . Ribcage sticking out , His arms so thin you could wrap your fingers around his upper arm , Legs so thin you could compare them to a long stick , His fingers so slim they look like spider fingers . His cheekbones sticking out , he could cut something with them , the same as his Hip-bones . Lips white as snow and eyes dull like the ones from a doll . He's not Hyunjin anymore . 

What happened in those 8 months were worse than hell itself. First he started working out more , than he ate less calories . Those 500 calories were just Vegetables , water and smoothies or Coke Zero . Day by day it got worse . But nobody noticed , right ? Nobody every asked him if he's okay or why he lost so much weight . But that would be useless because Hyunjin always looked the same for him . He still sees this one fat person in the mirror .He still sees that number on the scale . 

To be honest , he would just say . ,,I lost myself already , so why should I keep on going?" . 

He was fed up with himself . The only thing he ate were his own thoughts and the hater comments such as misunderstandings from persons he love.  Everything he gets to see or hear was negative . Not one single time something positive . 

He distanced himself from social media and the world outside the dorm , only laying in bed , cooking for the members and thinking of himself and food . 

He could think his members are the reason he got like this and his own fans because of these dumb comments they always do , buts that's pathetic . So he would rather think it's his own fault . Home doesn't feel like home anymore . It feels like a prison . The only thing he can trust is his own bed . 

And no one else. 

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Hyunjin stood up . red black squared sweatpants loose on his hip bones , a black tank-top , making his way towards his room door . Opening it quietly and stepping step by step down the cracking stairs . ,,Hey Bro!" Hyunjin jumped at the sudden loud voice as he walked around the corner . ,,Why so jumpy dude?" an arm wrapped around his neck as the person walked beside him . ,,Nothing." 

Hyunjin got easier to scare and more jumpy . Why?

The arm pulled away and the person stopped . ,,What is it Han?" Both locked eyes . ,,Mh nothing . never mind." Han passed by him , making his way towards the kitchen . Hyunjin followed the smaller one and grabbed himself a glass of water . 

Both sat at the dinning table with an awkward silence between them . ,,Tell me hyung , how's it going lately ? You haven't been here very much." Han was the first to break the silence . Hyunjin's eyes shot up as his fingers started trembling on the marble table not sure what to response . ,,U-uhm good . What about you?" ,,Also good . I'm writing a song right now  but I'm unsure about the ending." Hyunjin nodded and looked down on his hands . ,,Would you like to tell me the lyrics ? Maybe I can even help you ." Han looked shook. Big eyes and mouth half open . ,,That would be so great . Oh my god thank you Hyunjin." Han pulled out a piece of paper from his jeans pocket , unfolding it . He took a deep breath before starting . 

,,I can't say anything . Words just linger in my mouth

Sometimes I get scared . Will someone notice ?

I shout loud in the sound of rain. I'm afraid all my words will buried 

The sky is getting cloudy. 

Drooping shoulders , wet clothes . Even the loud music seems so quiet. 

All of my frustrated thoughts . I want to throw it away in this rain , so I take it out.

Put all your worries away in the falling rain. So that I don't get immersed in my self more deeply 

Baby,  it's falling. To the last drop. 

Let it go with a smile . Everything until the end of our fingertips.

Pretending to be okay makes me even lonelier. Looking at a different place , all alone.

I endlessly repeat to draw and erase my worries . Even if I repeat it, nothing will change." 

Han stopped for a second , looking at Hyunjin who had tears in his eyes . ,,And now I don't know anymore . " Hyunjin got pulled out of his thoughts . ,,Uhm lemme think for a second." letting the lump in his throat disappear . ,, Maybe something like ." Hyunjin took the piece of paper and the pencil before writing his thoughts on it.  

,  Someday you'll get used to it. I will live without even this feeling. 

It'll be okay if you walk around busy. Like the ground hardens after the rain and flowers bloom again.'

Han took a look at it after a few seconds , reading it with a stunned expression . ,,Continue please . write everything you want!" Han harshly tapped on the paper .

,Saggy shoulders , wet clothes . Even the loud music can be heard at a low level. 

All of my frustrated voice. I want to throw it away in this rain , so I take it out. 

Put all your worries away in the falling rain. So that I don't get immersed in my self more deeply. Baby it's falling. To the last drop.

 Let me go with a smile. Everything until the end of our fingertips. Try to smile more. 

These days are getting longer . I'm getting more and more tired . 

I feel left alone in the world. Will I get netter by deceiving my own heart? Shake off all my worries by putting them into the falling rain . 

So that I don't get immersed in my self more deeply.' 

,,Holy fuck Hyunjin . That's unbelievable . How did you write that so fast?!" Han fingers wrapped around Hyunjin's shoulders that felt just like bone . The other boy is waiting for an answer patiently . ,,I don't know . I guess I have a fast mind. " ,,You could become a great song producer Hyunjin." Hyunjin stood up , looking into Han's eyes . ,,No." 

and with that , Hyunjin walked off , feeling the guilt and dizziness spreading all over his body . 

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THAT WAS IIIIIIIITTTTTTT . The first present chapter:0 . I hope you all liked it <333

I love you very much and make sure you ate and drank enough today . stay savveeee<33