Letting Go * Top 10 #SYTYCW15 * (LGBT BxB)

Part Nine - Dreaming - Ben POV

His eyes, his beautiful icy blue eyes had haunted my every waking moment for a while now. It had been bad enough that I every time I closed my eyes I thought about him, and especially those eyes, but now I had those eyes and they look they gave when he was at his most vulnerable.

For that short moment he had been completely mine, no one else mattered for once and then it was over. He wanted to get me off too, which I respected. I won't lie, it was difficult to turn him down and everything I had said was true, but I had been so caught up in the moment I'd almost burst out with a I love you. I needed to end things now, at least for tonight.

After all my stomach was still churning from his admission, he didn't have feelings for me, as I had suspected it was all about the sex for him. It had been wrong of me to ask Scarlett to drop by and ask. I was toeing a dangerous line, involving her in my ploy. Interfering in a pretty perfect sibling relationship because I was too afraid to tell him how I felt.

The fact he didn't have feelings for me didn't surprise me. We had been friends, and this ludicrous idea of sex lessons was the closest we'd ever been to any kind of non-platonic relationship. Except none of this meant anything more than notching up a little experience. I understood of course, after all it was what I had signed up for, but it still hurt. Right down to my core.

I walked back to my room. I'd given Scarlett the key, I knew she was going to want to debrief like she had after I'd told her about the agreement. We'd already talked this morning about it, and I knew there was no point avoiding her.

I knocked on the door and when she opened it the first thing she said was. "I told you he wouldn't admit to shit when you mentioned this idea Ben."

"I heard it in his voice." I replied. "He was being honest."

She frowned and folded her arms. "I've known my brother a heck of a lot longer than you Benjamin. He can be a very good liar. He mutilated my birthday cake when I turned 13 and no one found out it was him for three years. THREE years Ben. We thought it was the cat." She picked up her phone and walked back over to the door. "Maybe he's protecting his heart."

"He must know he's safe with me. If he felt any a smidgen of what I feel for him, then he'd tell me." I replied.

"Like how you're so open to telling him yourself?"

I walked over to my bed and sat down. She was right, as usual. "Point taken." I murmured.

"So you'll tell him?"

I shook my head and kicked my shoes off. "No. not yet." Maybe not ever. Whether it was lies or not, hearing him say point blank that he didn't have feelings for me broke my confidence.

I couldn't tell him I was in love with him and be rejected. The mere idea of him turning me away broke me up so badly that if it was to actually happen, I'd probably lose myself completely. I didn't care if were never anything more that what we were now, or even what we had been before any of this. As long as he was there I was happy.

Scarlett sighed and placed her hand on the door. "I'd better get back to Xavier. Please don't let it eat you up."

I shrugged and lay down. "Hey, I've come this far haven't I."

She frowned and looked down at the ground. I knew she hated that I kept this in. She wanted us to be together. She trusted me with her brother's once broken heart, and I understood that. But I didn't want to be the crumbs, I didn't want to be the guy someone was with because they couldn't have the one they wanted. I knew Jace was ready to move on, but not with me. She shot me a halfhearted smile before she turned the door knob and left the room.