the last marigold [kazuscara;eng]

It was 2 am, Saturday, somewhere near the end of July, but I didn't know exactly. I sat in my bathroom, having probably the third joint I had rolled before, and just thought about life, while my earphones played some doom metal.

I thought I had a boyfriend, a lover, but I was wrong. Sighing, I dragged another cloud of happiness into my lungs, tilting my head back, so it was resting on the cold tiles. My hair fell back, and my back slouched. The doom metal was something that made me feel good, but it wasn't working today.

My so-called boyfriend went to some bar, leaving me all alone, with my depressive thoughts, even though he knew I have a secret stash of weed somewhere in this apartment. I tried to stay calm for most of the evening when he left, but around 10 pm it all got into my head and I fell into rolling a few joints. And that was basically what was happening now.

Another doom metal song started to play, and I slowly parted my lips to put the joint between them to drag another depression. I just wished he was there. Hugging me. Calming me down. Kissing me gently. I just wished he would do the things he always does...

I probably blacked out for a while, sometime after I finished the joint, killing it next to me on the cold tiled floor - and that was the last thing I remember doing before I drifted into nothingness.

"--uha," I heard and felt some shaking in my body. Or more like someone shaking with my body. "--zuha..." I heard a big sigh and I slowly opened one eye to look around me but didn't see anything. "Kazuha, for fucks sake," the shake was a bigger one and I snapped my eyes open to look at him. He took out my earphones, smiling dryly, but still his usual self.

I blinked a few times, trying to understand what was happening, but couldn't get my mind into the right gears. What was he doing here? Didn't he say that he's going to be out the whole night?

"Kazu, it's like 4 am, what are you doing here? You'll get cold," My eyes wandered onto him one more time, as I smiled a bit, remembering that I was smoking my joints. I shrugged and sat more straight to actually look normal. I was high as all heaven, still feeling the weed in my system, but I didn't care. That was something that made me feel good. And he knew it.

"Sit next to me, listen to this," I said, taking my headphones from him, putting one in his ear, and playing my all-time favorite doom metal song. He leaned onto the cold tiles in my bathroom next to me, taking my hand into his and then just looking at me through his bangs, with his oh-so-knowing eyes. I pulled out of my pocket another joint and lit it, taking one drag and passing it to him. He sighed but took it and took a drag off it.

"I love you, Scaramouche," I said quietly, shaking my head. I didn't tell him that by now, but this was just something I had to say now and so I did.

"And I love you, Kazuha," he answered, knowing I won't remember anything in the morning.

And so we sat on the cold tiled floor in my apartment bathroom at like 4 am, smoking joints, listening to doom metal, and just enjoying the company of each other.

And that was all that mattered now, just he - my emo boy - and me - the quiet depressed stoner kid. And I knew this was the last time we will be sitting like this together because my life was slowly running through my fingers. And he knew that too. He was prepared.

And I've decided I will end my life the next week.

"I'm so sorry, Scaramouche. You were just too perfect for me, and I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live this life I lived. Not even when you were next to me, trying to help me. You were succeeding for a while, but then everything went to shit again. So... Enjoy this. Those are marigolds seeds, maybe you will know what to do with them. And if not, then I was your last marigold. I will love you forever, even in the afterlife. Hope you will remember me.

- Kazuha."