Days and nights have mingled up for Pete, laying in another man's embrace. He has been in a daze the past two days, tangled up, limb to limb, in bed with the enemy.
Lying next to him is the man who captured him, eyes closed, smelling like musk and spice, he could be easily mistaken as the perfect boyfriend who cooks for his partner, cleans up after him, worries over his health and even worships his body. Yet, deep down, Pete knows that this is just a daydream that would break sooner than later.
He had worked for the main family for almost 6 years now and as long as he could remember; he had only seen this man being obsessed with one thing in life... overtake Kinn to be on top and rule both the families and their businesses. After watching him over the years, Pete could only label him as a textbook Psycho.
Yet, here he is, lying in his bed now, arms wrapped around his naked torso, head resting on his chest, listening to his relaxed breathing, unable to let him go. It absolutely horrified him at how things turned out between them. Was it the classic case of Stockholm Syndrome or just simple lust? He does not know. He does not want to understand.
It was supposed to be a quick and simple mission... get in, collect evidence and get out. But of course, he failed miserably and got caught. Going in, he was privy to the danger. If captured, it meant torture or even death. What he never expected was to become the enemy's pet. That's what his capturer called him now. His pet.
He was tied up and tortured for days before they moved him to the farmhouse outside of the city. He had lost count of the days since then. The room was gloomy and dark with no sunlight but only red and purple lights. He was fed when his owner remembered to do so or when he needed him with his full strength. Because that's what he was being kept alive for, to serve as a punching bag when needed by his master. He was not the pet that provided company to its owner in return for affection, but the kind that bore the frustrations and resentment of his owner.
He couldn't escape or die, he had to stay alive and play his part in the psycho's drama. And he did that dutifully, making sure never to upset the man. If playing along meant prolonging his life on earth, he was glad to do that. So he listened and watched, trying to perceive and deduce the man behind the name... Vegas.
The more he understood Vegas, the more confidence he lost in himself. He broke through the facade and was finally seeing the actual human being behind the mask. And it scared him to see that the man resembled himself. He bore the same scars and same emotional damages. Maybe it was the revelation of the common abuse they suffered from their fathers, but Pete saw them as two feathers of the same bird now.
Vegas had spent his whole life seeking acceptance and acknowledgement from his father... a father who wanted to fulfill his own dream and live his life through his son. He had seen this play in front of his eyes once. It took him a long time to get over the abuse, and he had to do it alone. Not Vegas, though. He could be there for Vegas this time. It's time Vegas learnt to let go of the need for his father's approval. He is his own man, and doesn't need to live his life under someone else's shadow. Accept what you are and live your life for yourself... he said to him, when he came into the room after taking a beating from his father. He only wanted Vegas's misery to end. It wasn't in his interest to sympathize with his tormentor.
Pete had never regretted letting go of his chance to escape. He had surprised himself that night by returning to comfort Vegas when he was at his lowest. It was the same man who had locked him up for days and tortured him. He reminded himself, to no avail. For a second there, his life and freedom did not matter in front of Vegas's agony. All the walls Vegas had built around him came crashing down in that instant, and Pete wanted to hold him through the rubble. He also does not regret kissing Vegas.
Pete racks his brain again, trying to remember what made him kiss Vegas that night. It wasn't the fact that he felt lonely or unloved; it wasn't sympathy or lust. He wanted to claim him. Because he could.
All the while that Pete was trying to rationalize Vegas, Vegas had also studied him in return. Vegas was aware of the need in Pete's eyes. The need to fix him... the need to be his solace. Vegas internalized he was not lovable or worthy, and Pete was going to be the one to show him otherwise. The moment Vegas conceded, he was attracted to him like never before. A river of emotions flooded through him until he pulled Vegas close and kissed him.
Now that his sex muddled brain can think clearly, he could see how he had changed the dynamics between the two. He had crossed the line of no return but achieved what he set out to do. Vegas has turned over a new leaf in the last two days. It was a side of him he never expected to see. He was finally ready to accept himself, be himself, and love himself.
So, he should be happy, celebrating even, but he feels dejected. He had lost his heart and soul in the process. All the hatred and anger he ever felt for the man have been replaced with new feelings of love and care. Feelings that he could not understand or name and feelings he should not have. Feelings that could only hurt him.
Pete might now know the reason behind Vegas's excessive and compulsive behavior, but that does not erase all the crazy stuff he had done. He can never forget the torture... the deception... the conspiracies. So, falling for such a man makes him feel worthless now. By overstepping the line with Vegas, he lost himself, his heart, and his humanity. Being with him meant he empathized with him and his actions. He can never forgive himself for that.
He is guilt-ridden now. He regrets everything. Regrets being consumed by passion, regrets opening up to Vegas, regrets falling for him. The despair hits him suddenly and unexpectedly. He feels exhausted. Dejected. He has no claim to these feelings. The burden of love should not be his.
It wasn't until Vegas held a knife to his throat that Pete realized what he needed to do. He had to put an end to this toxicity, just like he had handled his life thus far. This feeling of obscurity and disdain should end. If losing his life was the only way to reclaim his humanity, then he was even ready to die.
Being the coward that he is, he couldn't go through with it in the end. He couldn't kill himself nor hurt Vegas. However much his heart desired to hold on to Vegas, to listen to his plea of starting over, to cling to his ludicrous dream or living together happily, he couldn't do it. He couldn't fool his heart once more. He couldn't promise Vegas to stay by his side forever. Pete escapes from this prison of love.
He should be elated that he is back with his friends and family, back home. Everyone is glad and celebrating his return, yet he is unable to fill the void that Vegas had left behind in his life. He escaped from the prison, but has he really escaped from his fate?
Pete pretends to be fine, pretends nothing happened, pretends his heart doesn't ache. He was always good at hiding his feelings, now he can hide his love, his trauma and even his scars with ease.
No one needs to know if he spends every waking minute thinking about Vegas. No one needs to know that he has fallen for the enemy. The more he tries to forget and move on, the more anguish he is in. Just because he can overlook Vegas's flaws, it won't make the world forgive him. He thinks about every bad thing Vegas had done, everyone he had hurt, every lie he had told. Yet, his heart yearns for him. Yearns for the changed man he left behind.
Pete spends his days hiding his pain and nights, crying himself to sleep. He is aware now that he cannot live without the man. And he also cannot live with the man. Because his loyalties lie with the main family, not Vegas. He cannot choose between the two of them if it came to that. He cannot betray the people who believe in him... can only betray his own heart.
His resolve breaks in an instant one night when he meets Vegas, bringing back all the pain and memories. He recognizes then that all his attempts to flush Vegas out of his life and his heart are futile. One apology from Vegas is all it takes for him to crumble. He wants to touch him; he needs to kiss him. All he can do is hold him and weep in his arms. He cannot hurt the man he loves, he can only hurt himself by staying out of his life. At least for now.
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