I'm Stressed so hopefully this calms me down

it takes me this long to realize how messed up I am

My oh my if I hear one more time that somebody is busy, I'll have yet another stressful attack inside telling me that the voice ("I'm not enough") might be right for once. I can't allow you to be right. You make life too complicated, difficult, and painful. Quite unnecessarily too if you ask me.

If someone were to tell me that being busy wasn't all that important, I'd quit thinking about it in a heartbeat. I should probably be the one to say it, though. I can't know for sure what weights were placed behind the words coming out of other people's minds; I can hardly trust my own. One moment a mantra keeps me afloat, the next minute I remember more vividly the stories I've poisoned myself with.

It is with these toxic narratives that I have resented the world, myself, and distorted my own identity. To this day, I'm still chipping away at the question, "Who am I?" I don't have a solid answer yet. All I can say is that life is going to take a while - the life-long process of self-love.

But maybe that doesn't mean I won't have good life, despite most likely having to be stuck in an endless process probably until my grave. I do believe that it is worth it, not having to be something that I'm "stuck in." I chose to live my life this way, and I will keep making choices. The choices themselves aren't absolutes and surely not going to be felt as "just right" in all circumstances, so maybe I ride the wave until it finally comes crashing down. In this life of little control, I find the most solace in that which I can control, much more so in the experiences and choices that truly meet up with who I am. Who am I?

From what I can gather, my own endless thought cycles and pages on the internet, happiness, values, relationships, and passions/careers seem to be what constitute a good life. How overly simple yet difficult in actually embracing consistently within the psyche. Why didn't anyone tell me this sooner, is this even accurate, what about the people who will never learn from this genuine, corny, warm-feeling inspiring writing?

Soon enough, I think I'll learn for certain that tickets to the good life aren't blueprinted for everyone to see. Yet, everyone, I think, can see for themselves what the good life is for them, how they would blueprint it. I have given too much attachment to words in thinking they can solve a lot for me, but the words, the art, the world isn't me: I am. No word, experience, feeling, or achievement will ever take away or add onto what already exists: me.

I'm afraid of many things, many of such fear only give life more difficulty where there doesn't have to be any. It makes the me I wish to see and love hide in fear, believing the rest of reality is a cruel place, the past and future, and the respective perspectives and parts of me, all wash away until fear consumes them. The me is ultimately removed, but it is still up to me to resolve the sweeping issues. Can't you see how much overthinking has done to me?

No longer is the art I make, free-flowingly of course, beautiful. It is sadness and profound meditations of life, really just a disguise for thinking I can do this right now, that confine me; this is the life I chose. I change my mind. I can't think like this anymore, I can't live like this anymore.

What would I like to live as? A healer, a wanderer across galaxies, through the timeless stories we've told and created for each other, parting onto others the gift of happiness. Now, I wouldn't say as of now, I'm the embodiment of a healer that gives people a way to be happy, but I'd like to be. I'd also like to be happy myself, content, satisfied, couldn't ask for more and all that. Again, I'm not there yet, but I'd like to think I can be. I think everything being a choice creates the potentiality for this happiness narrative to come alive full and through.

Not only would I finally be so great, that I could probably die and say, "I've lived a full life, I'm ready," but others, who find the road to happiness, allow each other to live and really make the most out of this gift, hopefully sharing it to another. That, is my wish. To be happy, make others happy, to be able to say "I've lived a full life, I'm ready."