(This contains grammatical errors and typos. The book cover is mine please don't use it without permission. Plagiarism is a crime. All rights reserved.)
11.20.22
Sitting on the bench, watching the trees dancing with the wind.
Silence.
A very important word for me. But not for others. I value peace to make my emotions felt. I love being quiet when I feel extreme feelings that I knew I can’t handle.
I’m scared to hurt others while they kept doing it to me. It was difficult to handle people even your friends you thought who would understand your silence. Hoping that…every gestures they would notice because you do when it comes to them.
I guess, it’s my fault for being too observant. It’s my fault to expect them read my scattered mind and heart. It’s not their problem that I was like this, a fragile jar. There are just people who can’t read others feelings. That, if you wouldn’t say your feelings vocally the wouldn’t notice any of that.
But I felt that they were just being insensitive…and my mind were always trying to understand each person. I’m defending them against my judgement because I don’t want their image to be ruined inside my head. I don’t even know why I’m like this.
Maybe I’m scared to lose the people around me?
Do they also value me?
Or… did I became someone’s favorite person?
I value friendship because I…want to be happy like them. But sometimes misunderstanding comes around. And the worst thing is my favorite flowers would made me feel unwanted.
My family gives pressure to me that I cannot handle most of the time. I cannot express what I truly feel because they don’t listen, instead they compare me to themselves like I’m not a 17 year old girl.
I was thankful that my friends are here…but sometimes even them belittle my feelings. It was tiring yes, but I can’t do anything about it. So every time they hurt my feelings I take steps away from them for a moment. And came back when I’m calm again. It’s always like that. They won’t pursue me. They won’t. They can continue their lives…well who was I to postpone it? Am I that important?
I was the dumb one because I’m still scared to lose the people who shared happiness with me even if they made me feel not close as them. Yes, I’m a stupid bitch for that.
Hanna🌷
Sinarado ko ang aking diary at tinago sa ilalim ng damitan ko. Ayokong mahuli nanaman ni mama na gising pa.
Pero hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin ang dibdib ko e. Paniguradong mahihirapan akong matulog.
Sinilip ko ang selpon ko, tahimik ang messenger ko ngayon lalo pa’t nag leave muna ako sa mga gc namin. Pinapalamig ko muna ang mood ko. Hindi ako galit… kasi walang silbe yon dahil di naman sila marunong manuyo. At hindi ko rin sinabi kung bakit ako umalis muna. Idadahilan ko nalang siguro na wala ako sa mood at ibabalik nalang pag ayos na ako.
Kaninang hapon pumasok kami sa usapan ng mga kaaway. Everytime na nag chachat ako at may gusto akong ikwento na naranasan ko sa taong kinaiinisan namin…hindi nila pinapansin. Pero si Jona Panay reply nila, gets ko na close sila. Valid naman sigurong masaktan diba? Na di ako pinakikinggan lagi tapos pag sila sila lang…
Masaya sila kasama, minsan din nakakapaglabas ako ng sama ng loob sa kanila. Pero pag ganito na ang usapan, syempre hindi. Baka ako pa mag mukhang masama e.
We’re five 3 girls 2 boys. Jona, Hanna(ako), Kimmi, Jed, and Louis. This circle was built since elementary. I like one of them secretly. Siguro naman maiintinhan niyo ako kung bakit din ayaw kong kumalas. Masakit, of course, kaya nga ako nag papalamig.
Nakakainggit lang kasi na lagi ako yung iintindi, napapagod din ako e, hindi naman ako bato. Gusto ko rin mag labas ng sama ng loob tungkol sa sinabi noong nakaalitan namin sakin. Muntik na kasi ako mawalan ng tiwala sa sarili non e. Pero syempre, ano ba naman yung kwento ko kesa sa kanila diba.
Nakakainggit na laging susuyuin si Jona pag galit tapos pag siya naman ang may kasanalan kung bakit kami nagalit ay wala siyang pakielam. Pero kahit ganoon, siya pa rin ang paborito ng lahat. Kaibigan ko siya oo, masaya siya Kasama at mabait din siya. Kaya lang…hindi naman lahat ng side ng tao pwede na’ting magustuhan.
Hays…ang babaw siguro pakinggan noh? Kaso palanging nangyayari kaya pasakit ng pasakit.
Tumungin ako sa’king kisame. What if… I found someone who would understand my silence? Someone that would listen to all of my rants?
I gulped.
What if mapagod ako? What if i-let go ko na sila? Tutal parang madali sa kanilang gawin ‘yon. Sure ako na mahihirapan ako e…kaya siguro tiis nalang pag ganitong pagkakataon ang mangyayari.
11.20.29
Silence…this word can’t be separated from me. I was loud and cheerful with my friends and family. Little did they knew that since I was high school I learn the art of lying. That these smiles…can hide everything.
Unfortunately people can’t still read me after years of being with me. Ironic right? But anyways. Problems came along and all I do is to do the same routine…calming myself silently. I…I’m just not the type of person who would say all of the bad things you’ve caused me. All I know is you hurt me a lot of times.
It was so random to write again here. My teenage stage was in this notebook…and now I’m suffering again. But I think it’s bigger than that.
Everything past like a blur. What a shame that I just want to go back to the time all I worry was my family and friends.
There’s always a windy day that will change our paths. As the tree dance with the wind I realized the flow we used to follow is not always smooth. Because storms will come and destroy our calming flows.
Sit on a bench or somewhere peaceful. Stare on the trees and think that you’re one of them. Entertain your feelings when no one can. That’s the only way to felt that your alive and kicking.
Treasure yourself while you're still young because when the time has come...you might forget to ask if you're really okay.
Feel the wind hugging you while no one is willing to. Humming wind can be our comfort, while wild and strong wind will challenge us to take different paths.
