There is a shield that I've put on and worn daily throughout my life.
I started wearing it when I was seven. When I was first sexually abused.
Then, at fourteen years old, I became a sex trafficking victim, and that's when the shield truly bonded tightly to my identity.
I could never set that shield down after that. I don't believe I took it off once in front of anyone, not even my own mother. I walked through life after escaping my trafficker believing that being hard inside and out was in my own best interest and in the best interest of those around me. I got married, made a family, went to college, and began a career, all whilst armoring myself every day carrying that heavy shield. It was out of hope that I wouldn't have to feel anything, or learn who I was.
When I turned twenty-eight years old, I fell in love. I fell in real love for the first time. I thought I'd known love throughout my life, but I hadn't. I couldn't love anyone, because I didn't know how to love myself. I hadn't believed that I was worthy of anyone else loving me either.
But then I met Jose. He sparked this fire within my heart. It helped me to lower the shield. Little by little, I've moved it down to unblock all of the feelings I've tried to hide for two decades. It was our love that helped to finally see that happiness and safety really do exist and if we embarrass them then we can—we should—because we are worthy. It didn't last. How could it have? I was just learning t love myself and that is hard enough. I was so devastated that I couldn't work on myself while loving on him.
I wish that'd id learned to love myself long before I met him. I wish that we crossed paths later in our lives. But, without his love, my journey of self-love wouldn't have started the way it did.
So much trauma. So much pain. So heavy. How could I loft that alone? I guess the point of sharing this with my fellow survivors, of any trauma is that it's okay to love yourself. And it's okay to love another too. Set down all that weight. All the trust issues, all the anger, all the sadness. Just love. Don't lose yourself. And don't lose them.
