BILLIE-HALES & ZEALOUS

Prologue

PROLOGUE

Mama used to say, "If you carry on this way, you'll get burnt." Sadly for me, she was right. It happened and it's my own doing, too. I could've stopped it, and made her mine. I could've stopped acting like a Tool and told her, how I felt. But no, it didn't work out that way.
I thought I was saving her from heartache. Believe me, she would've suffered if she knew I wanted her. Eventually, no doubt I would've fucked-up, and I couldn't live with that. Hell, I'm barely living with it now. I did tell her though. Yeah, after she married him. I said, "It should've been us, walking down that aisle." I told her after I gave her a gift - believe it or not, trying to make peace with her. I made her a sculpture, one Papa helped with. We made a silhouette of her horse, Star. She thought I didn't see her. (That's Billie, not the horse) but I did. I've always seen her. Only, what the hell did she want me to do about it? I'm a man, for shit's sake! I don't do feelings and shit. To be completely honest with you, it scared the hell out of me. That's my biggest regret, not telling her from the start.
She thanked me for the gift of course, but she couldn't say much about the "Us" part. I mean, what did I expect? I'm the one who fucked-up. I did that and lost my only true friend.
So what do you do when you blow your only chances of ever finding the one you really wanted? What do you do when you lose her because you're too selfish to own up about how you truly feel? Well, to tell you the truth, I've no fucking clue. I've no idea what to do about this shit.
Billie, my Baby-B, isn't mine. Yet if I'm honest again, I think I've always known she wouldn't be either. Don't get me wrong, I wanted her. I really wanted her. I just knew I wasn't right for her and that was even before I knew she was a virgin. Holy crap! How wrong was I? I had no clue at all. I mean, I knew she was pretty private, but the times when we'd go out partying, she'd party with the best of them. Hell, she could outdo me, especially when it came to staying out all night.
All those times, every damn one of them, I thought she was off doing the same shit as me. I should've known she wasn't like me. She wouldn't screw around. I was so wrong.
That day she put everybody straight, I had never felt so tortured in my life. I stood there and allowed Charlie, to talk bollocks about her. I knew she was wrong because Billie wouldn't do that shit. I knew this, but still, I allowed her to carry on. Why didn't I stop her? Why didn't I just tell her she was wrong? Why the hell didn't I just say, Billie wasn't like me?
I'll tell you why. It's because I thought it too. I believed every fucker else, over my best friend. All the time I hung out with her, I knew deep down she wasn't like that. Yet still, I fell into the trap and believed every fucker else over her.
That right there was my cue to walk away. I really didn't want to walk, but then I'd seen her run to him. "Him," as in her "now-husband" I lost out on being with my only best friend. Well, my now old best friend. I'd blown that too.
I've clearly, no fucking clue about how to talk to a woman. Well, I do. It's just, I always mess it up. Trust me, if I'm not putting my "moves" on them, that's when I completely mess shit up. That's what happened with Billie anyway. I called her one of the worst things I could've ever said to her.
I ended up being the same. I'm just like everybody else who'd called her a slut. So since the day I gave her that gift, I've stayed away. I've seen her around though. I've seen her with him. They both stood side by side while he rubbed his hand over her growing stomach.
Christ, it hurts. This really hurts. To actually see it, them being happy, hurts. I've never seen her look so happy before, not ever, not even with me. Hell, I don't think I've ever seen her smile like that. Not the way she smiles at him anyway. She's happy, truly happy. Truthfully though, I can't fault him. He's actually good for her. He's doing the one thing I could never do... He's making her happy.
My Baby B is finally happy.

Now, if only I could say the same for myself. Let's face it, I'm miserable and missing my best friend, but I know I've truly lost her. I'll never have her with me again, but there's one thing I will take away from this and our friendship. It's knowing I can love and my life doesn't have to be all about sex and partying. Just seeing Billie look so happy and in love, made me want it too.
I want that kind of love, but I've no clue how I'm supposed to do it. I've never been in a serious relationship before, so how the hell can I do it? How do I go from, fucking around, to committing to a relationship? A "one woman only relationship," one with zero fucking around.
How the hell can I do that? I don't honestly know, but I guess we'll see. That's if I ever find my Queen.

I have to ask myself, what would it have been like if I told Billie how I felt from the start? Where would we be now? What if she didn't fall for him and took a chance on me instead?
What if I could've made her mine before she agreed to be with him?

As I've said, welcome to my show. This is how it could've happened if I only told her how I truly felt.