TW: Light talk of suicide, self-harm and feelings of not being real.
☆ Nat | 18 | Protector | Host ☆
Some days I get the feeling that I'm not real. I'll be sitting, playing a game or working on a project and bam, the feeling (although if you ask me at the time I'd rather call it 'knowledge') that I do not truly exist will strike.
I've spoken to people somewhat about this before, and many understand as they feel it themselves, but it truly confuses the hell out of me that every time I have visited a doctor in the UK about dissociation (not even DID or OSDD, just dissociation), every single one has said "we don't deal with that here, we aren't qualified". Doesn't that seem a little silly? I mean, it's something that everyone deals with, everyone understands to some degree, so how could there be so little training on the matter.
I think the reason that in particular bothers me is because dissociating heavily has lead me to try and wish to do some very dangerous things, many that then caused a split and I don't remember. The untruth that I do not belong here because I am real, but no one else is, or that I'm dreaming and I need to wake up and you can't feel pain in dreams so I must hurt myself to wake, or that I don't care what happens to my body because it isn't mine, so I can do anything I want; even jump off of that very steep hill in the woods I used to go to.
Some of those things I've done. Some of them I haven't. But I've never gotten help for something so incredibly serious despite being in and out of therapy since the body was twelve, and it is now eighteen, turning nineteen in a few months. That just seems wrong to me.
We finally found a specialist after years, but it is not a specialist for DID or OSDD, just for dissociation. I think that worries me. Because what if this is yet another person that is going to shun and hurt us for being an us instead of a me. I'm not sure some of us could handle that again.
I am terrified each and every day that that feeling will hit so hard I'm going to do something horrible and I hope that I'll be able to stop myself.
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The Life of a System
Non-FictionWe are a system that has been attempting to get diagnosed for several years now, but since that process is very slow, we have to try some healing on our own. Some alters have a lot of trauma revolving online and this website specifically. We are att...
