Anne

Unfair

(WARNINGS): Self-harm/sensitive topics/starvation/anger issues/anxiety/depression/bad language/abuse/toxic rls/sexual topics/mention of rape/mention of porn.

Hello,i am anne i am currently 14. i was born 2008 november 7. i've always felt i was different from others. i would often question if i was normal. even at a young age i would never feel like i have a home. i didnt have an imagination like other kids. i never had an imaginary friend or a positive mind set. i would always. always. think about death. or whats after it. so im here to tell you. how fucked up i became.

i have 6 siblings. david-daniel-adam-jaxson-arthur my 5 brothers. and my older sister victoria. (by the way her brother jaxson and arthur are both transgender) i was the middle child david is the oldest and victoria is the second oldest the youngest are adam and daniel. my world started turning upside down in 4th grade. my mom loved me dearly but she would always hit me over every single thing i do wrong. it hurt but at least she loved me right?. me and my brother jaxson were always so close. we did everything together. 

 skip to when anne turned 6

my dad gave me my first ever ipad. im so glad. but jaxson looks a bit angry. even tho he got 2. anyways, my father let me and jaxson play in his ps4's. me and my brother jaxson played all night long. we roleplayed and stuff. then my brother let me meet his guy friend called jack. why was i kind of scared of him? i feel kind of scared. over the days jaxson fought me. im scared. why cant i tell anyone he is hurting me.. 

after a few days

why is jack telling me weird things. what does "i love you" mean? is it a feeling? im so confused.. why does jaxson and jack keep looking at me after he said that? im so nervous...

the conversation they are having at the moment.

jack:" anne"

Anne: "yes jack whats wrong?" *smiles*

jack:"anne i really love you."

Anne's mind: what does that mean?

Jack: and i was thinking do you wanna be my girlfriend?

Anne's mind: what? girlfriend? what does that mean why if he saying such confused words. im only 6 i dont understand.

jaxson:"yes, ofc she wants to date you! shes literally in love with you haha"

as i looked at them i was scared confused. what was all of this. its so new to me. im scared..

jaxson:"So what is it ANNE?"

Anne:"well."

jack: "IS THAT A YES?"

scared and pressured anna nodded

they were scaring me. so i just nodded as he was getting closer to me i was scared

he kissed me as i allowed it to happen..

few years later im now 11 and jacks 12. i havent really changed. im still the insecure unsociable loser that i am today. and nobody cared. They all think im alright. But im really not. I just wanna feel at home again.

jaxson has been very abusive since we were younger. he hits me. yells at me. did i ever do something to him? why is he like this. Why is he my brother.

My mothers been acting very hateful towards me. i feel so upset. why cant they love me? 

I never really thought about getting closer to my father. i always thought about him being my hero tho.

I never thought of a coping way. I discovered some weird videos. for some reason i found comfort in watching it. I found comfort in watching porn. Everytime i felt a wave of sadness my hands. my eyes. took me to watching it. I felt happy. I felt safe. I felt calm.

i miss the comfort of my beloved mother. From the times my dear mother has hurt me. Here i am still hoping and wishing she would hold me and play with my hair gently. Why is it my mother who does this to me? why is it my mother who i dont feel the motherly connection with?.

if my mother dosent love me. will anybody love me? why did you cause me problems with my talking issues. my anger issues. my trust issues. why do i hold so much anger yet forgive you with a couple of sweet words thrown at me.

back to jack

im gonna do it. im gonna leave jack. Im so scared. He hurt me but i dont want to hurt him. 

The conversations went a little like this:

Jack?..

Yes anne?

i dont want us to be together.

what?

i dont want us to be together.

You cant decide that anne. You're a girl  im a guy. i can decide that not you.

no jack. i really dont wanna keep trying and waiting for you. were only 11 and 12. i dont want to be stuck in this boat trying to keep going for you.

no anne. i said no. i wont let you leave. I dont care that were kids. we both have minds that are older then our age. im not letting you leave me.

jack. i am not staying goodbye.

you know anne. you're a slut. i never cared about you. i only ever loved you cause of your sexy body and innocent face. Go die anne. You are a pretty face with a dead personality.