Toxic Love - the beginning of the end Part | LH FF (Part 2/English version)

F O U R

Time passed agonisingly slowly and the mood was kind of weird since I was gone for a short moment. We could continue to laugh at trivial things, but in his face you could see that it didn't leave him cold. I saw that there was something that didn't leave him alone and I was sure it had something to do with me. And I couldn't stand seeing him like that...

„Say it.." I broke out at some point, surprised he turned his head to me. „What?" I don't know why he asked that now, after all, I was sure he knew what I meant. „What you want to say. I see that something is bothering you." Sighing, he lowered his head, it seemed as if he had to collect his thoughts first. I watched him try to find the right words for something, while the cracking of the fire was heard, into which the Briton repeatedly threw small sticks.

„Lewis..." I asked him again to finally talk to me. My voice sounded calm, while everything in me trembled and trembled. Even though I really wanted to know what was bothering him, I was afraid to find out. Just like so often, my curiosity wins...

„Well..." He started without looking at me. Either he couldn't, or he simply didn't want it. „I don't want to get too close to you, so I didn't asked anything..." You've done that long ago, my inner voice mocked before I could hold it back. But instead of agreeing with it, I just tried to ignore her. „It's okay, really..." I pressed out a smile to emphasise my statement. „So you don't have to answer that if you don't want to, but I would be interested in what you have..." Suddenly he looked at me. There was something warm, soft in his gaze, rarely had I experienced him like this. He seemed almost hurt, maybe because the truth drags him down as much as I do?

Hardly, after all, it's Lewis and I almost dare to doubt that he can actually have so much sympathy...

„I have a problem with my heart. Well, that's nicely expressed..." I corrected myself and had to laugh slightly, because that was completely absurd. „My heart is far too weak for my body and cannot pump the blood through me regularly. That's because I have these short dropouts, just as before..." Now I was the one who was embarrassed. During this extremely trivialised explanation for Lewis, I deliberately left out that these dropouts are anything but normal. Well, actually they are, but not to that extent.

My doctor's words still echo in me when I think about it like that. These are signs of rapid deterioration. If you don't advance on the list soon, unfortunately we won't be able to do much for you anymore.

God, this stupid list! How I hate it when someone talks about this shitty donor organ list. It is always a disappointment when you hear that it is not progressing. And it hurts every time to have had the hope and then to be disappointed... That's why I've long gotten used to hoping for something as likely as a lottery win. My mother had also been waiting for a new heart and never got it, now she's dead.

„Sooner or later, if my heart is too weak, it will stop beating and then, well..." I didn't brought it over my lips. These four words then I'm gonna die, they seemed so simple, but I just didn't get it over my heart to pronounce them. „And there is no way that you will somehow get well again?" I shrugged my shoulders when Lewis looked at me. „Well, only..." I started, but broke off when I realised how ridiculous that was. „Only..." Lewis looked at me questioningly, hope shone in his eyes. Seems like he could feel something like sympathy...

Suddenly his attitude was no longer so uncertain, but full of courage and joy and that's how he looked at me. His eyes glittered, pure and so beautiful. Damn, why did they have to be so pretty?

„No, Lewis..That's-" I broke off, in me the nervousness increased, which made me get up. „You don't understand that... This is completely ridiculous. I didn't want to give you any hope, I'm sorry..."
God Liv, what hopes should you give him? My inner voice ruled me and she was right, somehow.