she is the epitome of nothing

2.

after countless weeks spent in bed, billie finally got out of it. the school threatened to get authorities involved if she didn't show up that week.

billie didn't want her parents to get into trouble so she hauled herself out of bed, tears streaming out of her blue eyes like a waterfall. it took every single bone in her body to get out of that bed.

when she finally arrived at school she was immediately sent to the principals office.

"where have you been billie?" the principal asked, billie stayed silent, not wanting to tell her a word. she doesn't like speaking, billie was always a quiet person. "bed" was what she dryly replied with.

"you know that's unhealthy billie? spending weeks upon weeks in bed?" the principal told billie, she had heard it enough times. you'd think she would've listened but billie didn't have a care in the world, anything that was killing her she'd happily do.

"seems like you don't want to talk, go to class please" her principal motioned, billie got up slamming the door behind her.

billie was never good in school, her grades were bad and she basically zoned out or slept every class.

"welcome billie, we haven't seen you in ages! we all thought you were dead!" her english teacher joked, billie stared at her with no emotion, "i wish i was" she said and sat down in her seat.

her teacher looked uncomfortable, but brushed it off and started the lesson. billie could feel people looking at her and she could hear people talking about her but she didn't care. why should she? she would be dead soon anyways.

you could tell her hair was dirty, it was obvious. she had it tied up in a messy bun but that still wouldn't help.

she could feel the stares and hear people talking about her, some say she went to a mental hospital. she had no energy to speak up for herself, she just thought if she gave them no reaction they'd stop.

"stop fuckin' talkin' bout her like that" a girl says rather loudly at the group of girls who were talking about billie, she looks up to see xyra standing up for her.

billie never really had many friends and she's never really spoken to xyra but she has reassured billie about being there for her and she has stood up for billie multiple times.

"if you got a problem with billie you got a fuckin' problem with me! don't sit and talk shit about someone else's life problems" she says to the girls.

"but she i-" one of them starts, "ion wanna hear it, now quit your shit before your shit gets rocked" xyra humbles them.

billie mouths a thank you to her and gives her a small smile, xyra mouths a 'always' back to billie.
billies feelings had always been invalidated but she felt as if xyra really did care about her even though they had never properly spoken.

the rest of the day was bad, constant stares, rumours, crying in the bathroom and relapsing.

billies sick and tired of it all, she just wants it to stop. she fantasies about the day she dies, she cant wait for that day. she can finally be in peace.

"ever make me go back to that fucking place and you'll never see me again!" billie screams at her mom.

her mom just wanted what was best for billie, she misses her happy daughter and longs to see that side of her again.

"billie you need to go to school" she sighs, running her fingers through her hair. "no mom! there's countless rumours about me and all i get is fucking stares and laughed at! that place is a fucking death trap for me and you know it" billie screams with tears flowing out her eyes, she quickly runs back through to her room and slams the door, collapsing onto her bed.

she cant take this anymore, why her? why me? she thought. it's not fair, life isn't fair. she reached over for her vodka just to realise it's finished.

she groans in annoyance, getting up and putting her shoes back on. she storms out the house and to the store. billies not aged to buy alcohol but she has a fake id that works every time.

"you come in here a lot anna, you go through them quick" the cashier chuckles as she scans billies item. to this shop her names anna ray and she's 23 years old.

"i know man i know, partying all the time" billie fake laughs, she quickly says a thank you and leaves, racing back to her house.

"another one billie?! really?!" her brother sighs in disappointment, if there was one thing billie really cared about it would be her brother and how her brother views her. finneas means the absolute world to billie, she hates arguing with him, upsetting him or letting him down.

"i'm sorry" she whispers and heads straight to her room. she quickly opens the vodka and takes a few sips after putting it back down, feeling refreshed. how am i not dead yet? she thought to herself.

she quickly grabbed her notebook.

it's almost time, 5 days left. i cant wait to get out of here, it's all too much, i physically and mentally cannot do this anymore. i'm slowly killing myself so the process is easier. i know ill probably regret this but i'm doing everyone a favour. not having me around to worry about will clear their minds, my mom and dad won't have to worry about my school, my alcohol intake and me in general, neither will my brother. i'm not sorry for going through with this, it has to be done. - billie.
april 15th 2018.

she sighed as she closed her notebook, not long now.

-

hi guys! i'm trying my hardest to write this all in past tense so ignore if there's past and present, just read it in a past tense way.

have y'all seen vanity fair year6??? she's changed and grew so much i'm so proud of her.

a lil sad about her insta story though...

i love you! have a good day/night<3

- taylor.