fat slob

experience

As i slowly come to conscious in the morning one thought permeates my mind.
Scale
I need to know how much i weigh.
It becomes a constant thought in my mind.
I check to see.
59.6
Well no wonder, I feel skinny today that explains it.
All of a sudden I feel pressure to remain like this. Barely eating a boiled egg for breakfast( sunny side up contains butter so I definitely need less later) I put pressure on myself to stay like this.
I believe I can maintain eating like this.
Nothing for lunch as well ( to help it would be awkward to eat by myself, so being by myself for lunch helps with eating, or rather keeping myself on schedule)
When I get home I am ravished.
Just a small snack I tell myself but I have to wait until everyone's out of the house
Otherwise it doesn't feel special, worth it calories
When i eat meals with my family then I often grab snacks afterwards and eat by myself so it feels more like a meal.
When I eat with others i just can't count it in my brain.
Click goes the doorbell
Finally, my brain goes with a release of seratonin as I abandon the glass of water I was sipping in the kitchen for the past 10 minutes beforehand
I access the clock
I have 20 minutes until they come back home, and that is the time I have for eating in the general public, known as food preparation. Recently I've come to making more extravagant foods as they feel more worth it.
Food prep usually takes me around half the hour as I prepare everything to stash in my room for swallowing.
I cannot resist a countless mouthfuls here and there which slowly add to a full meal. Often times when I finish prep I am already full and no longer wish to eat however as long as I see food before me, it will be swallowed.
Even at parties and such i am constantly eyeing the chip bowl, eating the large majority.
After I settle in my room after multiple trips of carrying the large amount of food I got for a French hear my family coming in.
They eat after coming home as well however, at the table with phone screens blaring, which disrupts the extra calories and the special feeling of which my food must provide to me.
As i scroll to find a semi-interesting thing to accompany me while I eat I end up gobbling about 90% of my food down anyway as my sight never seems to leave it.
By the time the video ends up loading there is nothing left and I feel a sense of emptiness yet fullness in my brain.
Why did I eat so much of the food?
Why did I eat that much food so fast, now I'll bloat.
Fatso!
This is the reason why I'm so fat!
And similar things.
I rise to this put the now empty plates away, and ready to grab some more food leaving the video, playing to fill the emptiness of my room.