They say first love lasts. Or that first loves change you as a person. That first loves have a way of spinning your world into a frenzy as you try to process the new sensation of being in love. When it finally departs, you're left feeling dizzy and unable to move because you're locked in a swirl of confusion.
I glanced at my parents who are a good example of a good first love. They are each other's first loves and they... lasted.
The way my father looks at mama is still the same way he looks at her years ago. That time didn't rust their relationship. Still the same... very much in love.
I'm happy with their love and happy they are together, but I never felt that feeling or even knew about it. It's foreign to me. I'm afraid it might stay that way forever... To never find a first love so great... Or even not a first love. Baka never talaga.
I never had a boyfriend because the idea of me being in love terrifies me. I have attachment and commitment issues that when I feel like I'm getting too attached to someone, I drift away. I cut the connections.
Hanggang crush crush lang ako. Nakakatakot ma in love noh.
May naka mutual understanding ako dati but I ghosted him. He's super serious! 'Di bagay sa akin. I also had a crush sa grade ten noong grade eight ako, then when I heard he also liked me, I un-crushed him!
I took a deep sigh and stared at my paper. 'Yung topic namin ay tungkol sa unang pag-ibig. Ano ba ang isusulat ko dito?
Babasahin ko nalang 'yung mga pocket books ni mama sa kwuarto niya para makakuha ako ng ideya.
"Bakit biyernes santo ang ating mukha, 'nak?" Lumapit si papa sa akin at tiningnan ang papel 'kong walang laman.
"Essay ba?" tanong ni mama. "Diba paborito mo 'yung essays?"
"Nakakainis naman 'yung topic, wala akong ideya."
"Ano 'yung topic?" si papa.
"First love daw."
"Hala ikaw 'yun mahal." Turo ni mama kay papa. Yumakap naman si papa sa kaniya at tumawa. Umirap lang ako sa kaharutan na ginawa nila sa harap ko.
"Bahala kayo dyan." Tumawa sila sa pagiirap ko.
"Pasok na ako, magluluto pa ako." Sabi ni mama. Tumango lang ako. My mind is drifting somewhere else trying to think how I'm going to make this essay exceptional. I don't settle for mediocrity.
"Ako rin. I still have to call your tito tungkol sa bahay nila. Lilipat daw sila."
"Sila Roxanne?" my cousin. Tumango lang si papa at sumunod kay mama.
It's a calm Tuesday afternoon here at our humble home. The sun was setting making the sky bleed the colors of orange and red. The other half of the sky is painted to a dark blue with white specks splattered over it.
Tiningnan ko ang papel ko at nagsimula nang magsulat ng first paragraph.
First loves are the kind of love that makes us experience love for the first time.
Parang bobo naman pakingnan! Parang inexplain ko lang 'yung 'First love'.
I erased the first sentence. And scribbled something else.
Are there such things as true first loves? They could be just puppy loves. They couldn't be that serious. I often have my doubts about whether or not they should even be called "love" in the first place. They should be named, first attachments. Cause when it's our first-time experiencing love, how do we even know if it's real?
I couldn't help but crane my neck and look up at the white-dotted blue sky as the sun finally gave up its fight and went down for the day. The mahogany trees moved slowly and gracefully in response to the gentle breezes from the south.
But I'm not going to pass my extreme judgment because I've never experienced a first love myself. I'm not sure how it feels. Some people have referred to it as something that is ethereal and breathtaking, with all of the otherworldly sensations of falling in love for the first time, as well as the heartache that inevitably follows.
Someone once told me that the love you feel for the first time is destined to rust and deteriorate as time passes. And this is because first loves are often forged with little to no special things because we are foreign to the feeling and these are not honed to perfection in order to withstand the highs and lows of life.
But there are some first loves that are so exquisitely crafted, so intricately woven by the fates and destiny, that the movement of time or the ravages of experience could never wither it away. And those first loves are made in heaven.
