Ex-Idol's Role Afterwards

Chapter 11: A One-Time Offer

Taejin, who already regretted his decision in asking the question, felt even more embarrassed than usual when he remembers how he even got hired in the first place. He clearly understood Damin's feelings. And it's the same feelings that he knew he would get when he joined the company as someone who only attended high school compared to everyone else who held at least a degree. She was the type of person he was trying to prove himself to. And the person he decided to like.

Knowing Damin's true feelings really hit him. Not enough to the point that he felt that he would cry when he get home, but rather felt hot with embarrassment and the tips of his ears went red and his heart pounded unbelievably quickly.

"...But, I fucking hate myself even more. I got outclassed by a junior with no background, even corrected his mistakes and covered for him. He grew quicker than I did even though I've been doing this for more years than them. I lost to a fucking high school graduate who has never been in the workplace. Not even college. It's embarrassing for me. Having a degree is worthless. Hah... and so my worth is even less than what I spent on school." Damin squeezed the leather of the steering wheel.

Taejin's eyes widened as he heard her words. It was a lot more than he expected. Ever since he lost his place in the world that he thought was made for him, he never recovered from it and it affected his self-esteem. Similarly, Damin felt the same way. However, as he wasn't comforting himself this time, he quite easily came up with some words.

"I didn't realize you thought of yourself like that. I... I might have seemed to do better, but it's only because you were so good. I honestly felt small by coming in suddenly, so I worked endless nights to be just a fraction of what you developed over the years. But, even now, you managed to get a contract that I attempted for two weeks in just a day. And it was even by that guy who thought women should stay in the house. You'll always be better than me, I'm just trying to play catch-up."

"...I fucking hated him. I had to pretend that all of my ideas were yours to get it through him." She started grinding her teeth before speaking in a strained tone that was reminiscent of earlier this morning. "And it was littered with so many mistakes I had to clean it up. So, that project's success is all because of you. I'm such a good sunbae, aren't I?"

Taejin suddenly thought of something he was taught briefly in his trainee years. In psychology, there was this idea that when people got extremely angry, instead of lashing it out aggressively, they would diffuse it through other means in the contrasting emotion, such as perhaps acting overly polite or kind. He then wondered just how much of her kindness was her kindness, and which was when she was actually angry at him. Not wanting to think about that, he instead responded back to her.

"I knew that it would be an awful experience. That's really why I was really insistent on taking you out." He spoke passionately, attempting to convey his feelings towards her. "I also do like you. You might find it disgusting that the person you hate likes you, but I wanted to tell you all of my feelings. It was because of my personal feelings that I forced you to go to dinner with me."

Damin let out an exasperated sigh. "What do you seriously want me to do with your feelings? Stomp them over so that you can feel slightly alleviated from the pain you caused me, or do you want me to respond in kind, and say that I like you too? Or, do you want me to pounce on you and relieve my stress on you? It's because of this stupid selfish selflessness that I hate you."

"I...I don't think I'm particularly selfless or trying to pretend to be. If anything, I'm particularly sensitive to the views that others have of me. I'm worried that people will find me useless, that I'm a leech to the company, or that I'm hated. I only adapt to the needs of those who hate me so that they will like me. That's just because I've always lived my life, once as an idol to bring happiness to others, and now, to make sure my existence is validated. Otherwise, I wouldn't know why I'm living." He let out a slight laugh and stared outside the rear view mirror as he twiddled with his thumbs. "Now that I say that, I'm now reassessing my feelings towards you. Do I love you romantically, or am I trying to gain approval from you?"