I want to rant but I don't want you to feel sorry but at the same time I want to know that someone cares and yet I know you do. I want to be able to go to sleep without thinking of a bullet or a rope or razor, because I still think of those more often then my graduation. More often than my best days and fantasies of the best days to come. I wish I could be better, better to myself, better to others, becoming a better friend, and becoming who I want to be. I want to be the life of the party, the stories that people tell the fowling day. I'm so tired of being social, it's more like a game to me that's more about surviving than having fun. And to you the game is so easy and you enjoy it and I wish I could be like that. I want to escape, and each day I try to think of new ways to do it, but I find myself falling deeper into the hole that is my depression. And I try so hard to climb out and I'm so close to being at the top, but I keep going back in. And I'm not sure if it's because I'm being dragged back down, or because I don't like what I've found at the top and I'm slipping back in because it's both comforting and killing me at the same time. Because it's easier to be dying alone that to be hurting with a smile.
Authors note: I was writing this as a text to a friend but is rather put it here than burden her with her having to worry about me again. Cause I don't want her to hurt, I just want her to be happy.
