Water under the bridge

Part 1: The party

Part 1: the party

I watch her from across the room. She is talking to a man I don't know. I feel jealous. I see her smiling at him and touching his arm. Dear god I love this woman. I can't let her slip away. I don't function without her. I can't sleep, eat or have a conversation with someone without constantly thinking about her. We have been separated for 4 months now, it feels like forever. Nothing matters when she is not I my life. She is the one who made the decision that she needed space. Her reason being my son, who has been putting ideas in her head that her, me, us are the cause of all of his troubles.
I don't blame her for leaving me. I've been a fool for not fighting for her, for us. So now here we are at this hospital function, in the same room but not together. It's not me who she is smiling her perfect brilliant smile at or who's arm she is touching. She leans forward towards the man and I can almost smell her perfume. She is wearing a beautiful long red dress with a low cut neck, revealing her ripe breast. A thigh is showing through the long slit. It clings to her body perfectly leaving some to imagination. But I know what delicious pleasures hides underneath. This is torture and I should leave but I can't. I should man up and go to her, take her away from this competition and beg her to give me a chance to show her that I..we... are meant to be. That I am sorry for not being man enough, for making her doubt my feelings for her. For not standing up for what I know is true, which is that she was right all along.
"Go to her" I hear Abe say, "ask her for a dance"!  My thoughts are interrupted by my best friend who knows what this situation is doing to me. Tearing my eyes away from her, I look at my friend and I see sympathy in his eyes. I smile and hesitate to answer. "She asked me to give her space and to stay away Abe" I say looking down at my hands like a shy boy. "She still loves you, you just need to make her remember what you had together and make an effort to show her what she means to you". Looking at Abe I know he is right, his kind eyes gives me the courage to man up and go to her. I turn around and one step at a time I inch closer to her and the man who is making her smile and laugh.

Here I am at this party talking to this nice doctor who just moved to Salem. I started the evening in a good mood, putting on this new dress and glamming myself for a night out. I met him while hanging out jackets and he offered me his arm while we entered the party. Taking a quick glance around I saw Abe, Lexi, the Hortons and many of my colleagues. But no John. I don't know how I feel about that. Releaf, disappointment, happy, sad...I tell myself to enjoy the company of my new friend and forget about John. His name is Mark, divorced, 2 kids who lives with him part time. I'm aware that he is flirting and so am I. I'm having a great time, really enjoying talking to Mark and getting reacquainted to being a single woman. That is until the hairs on my neck suddenly stood up and a chill traveled through my body.
HE is here, in the room staring at me. I can feel it. I always knew when he would enter a room, even before I would see him. I try to stay calm and focus on Mark and what he is telling me. But my mind drifts and I struggle to not turn my head around and look for HIM.
I feel him watching my every move, I try to ignore it but I can't help to give him something to look at. Maybe I want to make him jealous, I know for certain that seeing me with someone else is driving him crazy. I know it's not fair play but I want him to feel what he has lost. Want him to feel just some off the pain I felt when he chose to stand by his son and not me. Pitiful some may say, I don't care because he hurt me deeply without hesitation. I catch myself touching Marks arm and in a split second I regret it because I know what it will do to John. He has this hold over me where I don't know how to be myself without him. He has always been in my life even when we weren't together. I don't like not having him I my life and I don't like hurting him. Mark says something and snaps me back to reality. I ask him to repeat his question but I don't hear it, feeling this energy coming towards me, totally consuming my body and mind.

I'm nervous, my heart is beating hard and fast and my palms are sweating. I'm so close now that I can smell her perfume, oh I love her smell. Her back is still to me but I know for a fact that she is very much aware of presence.
I eye the man beside her before I voice her name. "Marlena" I say with a shaking voice. It feels like an eternity before she turns around to look at me. I almost stumble backwards, stunned by her beauty, that I haven't had the pleasure of looking at for way too long.