i love you more than i love myself.

its too loud.

i suddenly wake up with a cold sweat, and i am quite literally hyperventilating. i can barely breathe. i try to take gasps for air, but it doesn't help. i cannot calm myself down right now.

alexei is next to me in my bed. he gets up as soon as he hears my heavy breaths.

he grabs me by my waist and pulls me into him. i want to cry, but i cant. the tears won't come. at this point, i think i'm all out of tears.

i have these nightmares often. it's more like a ptsd attack, but in a dream. it feels so real. i can smell the smoke and feel the heat. i can hear my mother yelling "grace, no!" and i can see the man who runs to her.

i feel it all coming back again. even as i'm in alexei's grasp i still start to shake.

"grace, no!"

"grace, no!"

"grace, no!"

that scream from her, followed by a gunshot firing repeats in my head everyday. right now, it's all so loud - too loud - but something snaps me back into reality.

my throat starts to burn. my stomach is twisting and turning. i jump out of alexeis safe arms and run to the bathroom.

i puke everywhere. that's not even an exaggeration, i puke in the toilet, on the floor, a bit on the counter. i cant control myself. i lean my back against the wall and slide down with my hands on my pounding head. i'm so tired.

alexei of course followed after me. he walks past me and gets the shower running. we take showers together a lot. it's nothing sexual, it's actually pretty sweet. he just holds me while i let the water soak me. sometimes i wish i could just slide down the drain along with the water and never be seen again.

alexei is cleaning up my disgusting mess as i start to take off my clothes. i stop for a moment, i start to feel dizzy to i grab into the counter. alexei reaches his arms out for me.

"i'm sorry." i say, choking on my words.

"you're alright, love." he says in his soft voice.

once he finishes cleaning everything i'm already in the shower. he quickly undresses and steps in. he grabs me and squeezes me so tightly. i don't want him to let go. ever.

i look up into his perfect blue eyes. "im sorry." my eyes start to water, and once again, no tears fall. i hate this. i hate that i am so weak and vulnerable. but i should give myself a break, because im being weak and vulnerable around the only person who i trust to genuinely care.

he kisses my forehead. "you're okay. it's okay. im here."

"but my mother isn't. and that's because of me." i let out.

"grace."

"i killed her!" i yell, muffled into alexei's chest.

"grace, you were young. you didn't know what you were doing. it's okay. you're going to be okay."

"i wish it was me."

alexei's heart starts beating faster. i can tell he's scared. not of me, but for me. i don't blame him either way.

he takes my face into his hands. he doesn't say anything, but i can tell that he's about to cry.

"i don't want to lose you, gracie."

"you wont." i hope.

alexei knows a lot about my dark side. he's seen me spiral, he's seen me have an attack. too many times to count. he's seen me on the verge of crying, and on the verge of jumping off the edge. i really hate myself for putting him through all of this.

"grace. don't lie to me." he says as he slides his hands down my thin arms.

"i'm not!" i start to get emotional quickly. i feel the tears coming. finally.

i sob into his chest. i have so many thoughts running through my mind right now, but in his arms, i know i am safe.

he runs his soft hands through soaking my hair. this makes my head tilt up. we stare into each others eyes for a good 30 seconds before alexei says something that makes me feel even safer with him.

"i love you always." he says as he leans in for a kiss.

"i love you too." i say before he kisses me.

we stand there, calmly kissing under the steaming water for a while.