They say that when your heart gets broken you will change.
I have never been in love. I had a few crushes in school but nothing that came beyond the usual "puppy love". My interest in my crushes would last only until summer and by the time I see them again the next school year I won't have a crush on them anymore. A pattern I saw only when I was in 2nd year high school.
I have seen a lot of my friends have boyfriends. And I would be there when their hearts get broken. I tell myself that if and when I have a boyfriend that I would not let my world revolve around him. And if he dumps me that I would not care that. That it was his loss.
I spoke too soon. Big Mistake.
We met one day at work. I was in the cafeteria and had just finished my lunch when he approached me and asked how I was. I said I was fine while at the same time wondering why he's talking to me. I see him around the office from time to time. Always so boisterous and energetic. I never really took that much notice in him.
After that afternoon, we had a few more casual conversations then we started hanging out. A movie and a couple of nights of late night to early morning phone calls, I find myself feeling odd. I geta weirs feeling when I speak to him either in person or over the phone.
What was this feeling? There were even times that I can't look at him because I tend to blush from time to time. Was I starting to fall for him?
I looked forward to every phone call and every text message and every opportunity to hang out with him. Maybe I just found a really good friend. A really great friend. And I'm pretty sure he felt the same.
Or so I thought.
One late night, as we were having one of our late night conversations, he suddenly blurted out the words "I like you". I was stunned. It took me a few moments to regain my focus.
He felt the same. I could not believe it. He felt the same.
A year after that, we finally became a couple.
It was hard. We argued a lot. We thought we knew each other but as it turned out we had a lot more to learn. He tried to break up with me a few times and I always begged him to stay. He did.
I thought that if we just held on long enough we would finally be able to be okay. Turns out, it was just me who thought that.
After another year, he decided to let me go.
No matter what I did to make him stay failed.
He left. He was gone. He went back to his ex-girlfriend.
I tried texting him and calling him. Telling him how much I loved him. How much I missed him. Hoping he would come back.
He finally had enough of me one night and told me to "F*ck off".
I was destroyed.
I was heartbroken.
I was angry.
I blamed myself for not being good enough.
I blamed myself for all the arguments we had.
I blamed myself for being immature.
I blamed myself for everything.
For many months, I drowned my pain in music and alcohol. No one noticed the difference in me. I acted as normal as possible on the outside but inside I was dying. And nobody knew.
It was a stab in the heart everytime I saw him happy. Laughing. It made me feel that I never mattered. Like nothing happened.
I became numb. Then angry. Numb again.
Empty.
That was all I am. Empty.
I quit my job and after I got my last pay. I went on vacation.
I went to Paris.
I saw the Eiffel Tower. Visited the Louvre Museum. And had wine every night.
I ate great food. Met a lot of new people. And the occasional fling every other night.
After that, I went to New York. Had breakfast at Tiffany's. Saw Chicago. Went to the top of the Empire State Building. And partied once in a while.
That emptiness was starting to change.
I started living again.
I have a new job now and a different life. But sometimes, I still remember those nights with him.
They were right. Those who said that people change because of heartbreak.
Heartbreak did change me. Though I am still putting myself together... One day, I will be happy again.
And maybe, I'll be able to tell myself it wasn't me. That I wasn't the one who failed. That I was good enough. He just didn't see it.
To the guy who broke my heart... I still don't know what to say to you but maybe one day when I see you again. I'll finally have the words to say to you if and when we meet.
