Dance Through Trauma

December 3, 2022

I'm sorry that I haven't written much. Suicide's been on my mind strongly since early October. Right now, I'm okay mentally, but not physically because I am unfortunately sick. Still had the strength to get my hair dyed black-blue today though! There's this sickness that's been going around in the school that I work at that is making the kids vomit. Thank God I had it right before work ended on Friday because I do not want to miss any work day. I need the money, plus I don't want to use my vacation days when I have them saved for late December to go visit my dad, brother, and l turtles in Georgia. At work, I got to use my vacation days or personal days for when I'm sick if I want to get paid, but I think they do have paid sick days, but I'm uncertain. Anyway, I've been suicidal because 1, I have seasonal depression, and 2, I am exhausted with life. Why am I exhausted? Because I am tired of being a slave to everything and everyone. For all my life, mental illness has taken control. It ruined my grades in high school, and my chances of getting scholarships. It has ruined my teenage years. It has wasted so much time for me. I always wanted to live like many other people my age, and be happy, but my brain came with so many mental health problems. The traumas I've been through are so unfair like the sexual assault. I'm finally much better in regards to mental illness, but the situation that I'm in with my mom and siblings frustrate me. I feel like she won't ever get her social security income and child support. I don't want to be responsible for them for the next couple of years. I want to live life on my terms, but it feels like that won't ever happen. I want to be in control of my life. When will that happen? That's why I see suicide as an option because if I can't live freely, then I rather die to be free. I already told my mom that she needs to do things on her own instead of having me do everything like babysit, fill out documents, do calls, make appointments for the kids, house stuff, and etc. She needs to do everything on her own because I don't want to be a puppet. She uses me for everything, and I don't feel like she takes me seriously. I can only help her financially. Everything else makes me stressed out. It's not fair that I will probably have to take care of them for the next 2 decades of my life if social security (most importantly) doesn't help her out. No one understands what I've been through, and with who I am. It's exhausting, and I want to live life in my control. 20 years of being controlled by a complicated life is too long. I want to help my mom and I wouldn't mind living with her for a while, but it's like she needs me to be her savior every second. I don't want to do everything for her. She can't use me as her translator or helper forever because it messes up my mind so much. I don't want to support a family for years, not because I am selfish, but because I am tired. I've been through so much, worked on myself so much, and now I want my bliss in life. I know life will have its ups and downs, but the situation that I'm in is not fair. My mom used to do things on her own as a single mother when me, Jamie, and Damian were younger. She had times where she struggled financially, but she still made it through it all. It's harder for her now because of my disabled siblings, but that is up to the government to help her and my siblings out, not me. I didn't sign up to support an entire family. The government is suppose to help my mom, but they are taking forever. They don't truly care about her case because they only care about themselves. It truly sucks. So, my mom does need help financially, but that's up to the US government. With everything else, my mom needs to do it on her own. I'm not going to spend all my life translating for her or signing out apartment applications. She needs to figure out how she can do all of those things. She may need help, but I don't want to be that helper. I've spent 20 years going through so much chaos. Why can't she understand that? I will actually commit suicide if I don't have the option to live freely. 

- December 3, 2022