Love, Will

Chapter 1 - It's been three months

"You know smoking kills right?" Brandon asked me.

"That's the whole point Brandon. It kills. It takes the pain of missing him away."

My name is Neelofa, and this is my story.

♢

It has been three months. Three months since I went numb. It's crazy how just three months before, I was happy. I was in love. I was irrevocably in love with a guy. A guy that I'd risk anything to be with. A guy that I loved so much, that if he was in pain, I'd be in pain. A guy that deserved better than me, but settled for me anyway.

I got up and got ready to go to school. As usual, I went down to eat with my mother and my older brother. He's only 11 months older than me. Not like you needed to know that, but a little bit of information is good I guess. The moment I reached the dining table, they looked up and kept quiet. I hated this. I hated how they looked at me like I'm so fragile and that they're scared they'd say the wrong thing. Not like I'm blaming them for that, but I was hoping that maybe if they treated me normally, maybe I wouldn't have to face the reality. The reality of how I fucked up.

The car ride to school was silent. It wasn't always like this. Well, not before three months ago anyway.  The moment we reached the school gates, mom hugged me and she said the same thing she always said before I walk into school every morning.  She said, "I love you. It's not your fault." And every single time, I had to resist the urge to cry and tell her that it is. It is my fault.

Francis hugged me and gave me a small smile before going over to his friends - if you haven't guessed, Francis is my brother. I walked into school as usual and went to my locker, only taking the books I had for the first three periods together with the journal that I was always bringing with me wherever I go. I had my earphones on and was listening to-

I turned off the music. I couldn't do it. I couldn't listen to any of the songs we used to listen to together. It physically hurts me. It hurts me how he's not here with me at my locker making some corny jokes while I laugh. It hurts.

That was when I noticed majority of the students in the school hallway were looking at me. Not because I'm popular or because I'm ugly, he has always assured me I'm beautiful, they looked at me like I'm a freak. Like I might snap any moment. I felt out of place. It's been three months and I'm still not used to the fact that he's no longer sitting at the lunch table with my friends and I. He's no longer waiting for me at the end of each class. He's no longer here.

I ducked my head down and walked to the classroom. It was full of people already and I went to sit at my desk. It's funny how I used to be part of these people laughing. We used to be, I thought to myself. I saw a guy waving at me to come join them and it took me awhile to realise that he was calling me. I blinked. Who is that guy? Then I realise it's Sean, his best friend. He was sitting with the people who sit together with me during lunch at our lunch table. I timidly shook my head and showed him my biology textbook. Truth is, I didn't want to be with them without him there. It felt different. I felt out of place.

Time passed really slowly and even though I no longer took notice of rumours and news going on in school, I can't help but know of the news about the new guy. Some say, he's hot but honestly I feel that it was probably just because he's a new face. The fuss about him will die down after awhile. 

♢

It was during lunch when I couldn't take it anymore. We sat at our usual table, and as usual, I didn't eat. I just picked at my food and tried to make it seem like I was eating. But really, I wanted to drive down and spend the day with him. Tell him I'm sorry. Tell him that if he comes back, I'll make things right. Tell him how much I-