26. SLEEP CAN WAIT.

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KHANYISA

When the door closes, I wait a moment before shutting my diary and placing it back where it was then I sigh and look up at the ceiling.

I had to do this. Nkosi went from being affectionate to being closed off and then some days he's in between. I couldn't keep up and so I've reached the decision to create this space until the man is very clear about what he wants.

Sure it'll hurt if he decides that boundaries are what he wants because I could totally go for him never saying he loves me but still show it in his actions, like he used to, that would be more than enough for me because actions do speak louder than words, there's a huge difference between someone telling you they love you and someone showing you. And knowing there's a chance that he might keep up this barrier from here onwards freaks me out, but he doesn't know that because I refuse to break down over something I agreed to in the first place.

Just as I'm about to pull the covers and sleep, the door opens again and I sit up again.

He walks in and shuts the door behind him then he gives me a look.

"Did you forget something?" I ask calmly, trying not to look surprised but I am.

"Cha" [No] he shakes his head.

"Then? Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?"

"Sleep can wait, "

"Nkosi-"

"Le nto ngeke isebenze, MaKhosa, Ngeke isebenze nhlobo" [This thing won't work, it won't work at all] He says.

I bite my lower lip because I suddenly have this urge to laugh. He couldn't last a night? A single night?

"But you agreed " I force the words out, the look on his face brings me a lot closer to laughter right now and this is supposed to be a very serious moment.

"MaKhosa, Ngiyaphinda futhi, lokhu ngeke kusebenze, sidinga ukukhuluma ngalokhu [I repeat, this will not work. We need to talk this out] he speaks firmly and the Nkosi I know has officially resurfaced. Not this June/July stunt he's been pulling on me.

"Usho ukuthini?" [What do you mean?] I narrow my eyes at him and he pulls the vanity chair then comes to sit right in front of me, his gaze is piercing but I don't back down, if Nkosi came here with the intention to continue with this uncertainty or confusion or whatever it's called, I'm not going to allow it, we either really start living the way we had planned or we give us a try in a different light compared to what we both had in mind, I won't settle for back and forths and he needs to know that.

"I don't want to sleep in a separate room, I want to sleep here, with you, next to you, " his voice is very calm.

"But I've already told you why I can't, I need time to get myself together Nkosi, it's not easy for me as it is for you, you know... I can't just shut down and pretend I don't feel anything, "

"It's not easy for me either, having to hold back each time, "

"But you're the one enforcing it, " I tell him.

"I know that too, I thought I had it together, I had it all planned and figured we could make it work in that way but honestly, I've been seeing for a while now that I just played myself. There's no way I can be married to you, live in the same house with you, sleep on the same bed, kiss you, make love to you and not feel anything. It's impossible and not just because that's what's expected when a man and a woman live together, but because it's you, Khanyisa. Specifically you, you're doing things to me, things I have no absolute control over and I might look like I have it together but I'm really freaking out about it because I had sworn to myself to never fall for this again, "

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