Unspoken Thoughts

First Entry

Dear Diary,

I know more than anyone that my worth is far more important than any man who comes into my life.

Everyone comes to me for advice about how they should handle a situation, especially my sister who endlessly asked for advice when she was in a relationship.

"Remember, you can't end up on the losing end"

that has always been my main advice to anyone who plans on going into any relationship.

So, why am I holding onto him?

what makes him so special is that I am willing to work extra hard (which is something that I have never done my entire life) just so I can secure the possibility of going into a relationship with him?

What makes him so special is that I am willing to be extra patient even if my own self-esteem is slowly getting affected and I am somehow convincing myself that this is what the future looks like for me. It is fine

Why am I doing this to myself?

I can't even tell the closest people in my life because I already know what they will say.

and what is worse...

I lied. I told everyone that we are over. That I gave up because I "realized" that I can do better. That I had this epiphany that he is not the only man in the world and if I chose to let him go. I will be alone forever.

Why??? Nicole! wake up! tell me why?

Answer: Because I want to try and love him.

I want to give him the love that he lost when his mom passed away. I want him to share his saddest and happiest moments with me and maybe depend on me to make him happy at least.

I want to try and see what the future ahead of us is. I want to cook for him, to make him small post-it notes (like in the movies), to remind him how handsome he is and how perfect he is to me.

I want him to see his own worth and that what happened is a tragedy but everything will be okay. I don't want to leave him at his lowest because I have been there and I don't want him to feel any more loneliness compared to now.

I don't mind being sad and affected.

I don't think I mind being so insecure.

I don't think I mind worrying on a daily basis if he blocked me because he chooses to isolate himself when something is bothering him.

I actually don't know what I don't mind because I want him.

I want an emotionally unavailable man.

N