fuck. I think I love him

Light Festival

Iam really excited for today. I've never been to something like a light festival before. It's been two months after my ex broke up with me and tbh i had multiple mental breakdowns after that. I really loved him, I did. More than I ever loved anyone in my entire life. That relationship I had with him was the first relationship that wasn't online. I did my best to make him happy even if it meant to risk my own mental health. Everything just so he would loose feelings in the end. Wasn't my best decision. But luckily everything changed just a week later. I always didn't have many friends. Maybe one or two. as soon as I didn't have any contact with my ex anymore I actually went outside and got to know new people tho. And today I would maybe even meet a few more. Its 5:30pm. Iam already standing by the train station,waiting for my train to arrive while I check my pockets. Headphones.. Money.. Phone.. As soon as I feel my phone I take it out of my pocket. One thing Iam oddly terrified of are trains. If just one little thing isn't as it should be I feel panic in my whole body and try to calm myself down. I look at the time. 5:33pm. Just a few more second had passed and the noisy train stands infront of me. I step inside. "Just 10 minutes" I tell myself while looking through the train, hoping to find the friend I was supposed to see here. I already see his white, bleached hair. His name is Simon. I've known him for atleast two and a half years now. I go into his direction and sit down on the empty seat next the him. Sometimes it's akward to talk to friends alone. I just hope I am the only one who thinks that but it does get better as soon as we get out of the train and decide to get a beer at the shop near the train station while we wait for the others. Everytime I drink alcohol it makes me feel more confident. That's probably one of the reasons why I started drinking. Now it's some kind of hobby. My friend turns to me and reads out a message he just got  "we're almost there". I was pretty excited for the night and was litterly hoping that nothing would go wrong. Because let's be honest. Something bad always happens when you are having fun. We were already on our way back while I drank quicker and quicker til my beer was almost empty. Luckily I have a backup one in my bag. Iam nervous. I want them to see the confident me. Not the socially akward me.
We get greeted by a dude named Charlie. I actually met him a long time ago. My mom forced me to give him my number because I had major gay panic because of him. We rarely texted but I did buy a pack of ciggarets off of him a few months ago. At that time I was still with my ex. I don't need ciggarets. I could quit whenever I wanted to be honest. It tastes disgusting and sometimes I even feel a little sick after smoking. I still do enjoy the smell and the feeling it gives me.

I can see two new faces. "Hey Iam Asher" I say loud enough so they could hear me. There is a blonde boy. Kind of my size. "Hey Iam Sam" and another boy which is way taller than me."hi Iam milo" I smile at them while secretly manifesting that I had the courage to be myself. "we are just waiting for the others now" says Charlie. I hope it doesn't take too long. I mostly just listen to the conversations and sometimes laugh at them or make a comment if something is funny. I do am always pretty happy when someone starts a conversation with me. Just a few minutes had passed. Justin, another friend I met after my breakup also came. Shortly after that a few more arrived. I got along with everyone pretty good so far. I Even sat on Sam's lap for fun since there weren't any empty seats. My confident left my body after just 2 seconds of sitting on him tho. We both laughed it off. I grab my second beer and ask Charlie if he could open it for me. He takes a lighter and with one movement my beer is open. "thanks" I say while the others look into the direction of the train station. There she is. The person we have been waiting for finally arrived. She's kind of the mom of the group. Everyone calls her lu. Everyone is already packing up their stuff so nothing gets left behind as lu rolls another cigarette. Now we can go.

I've been mostly talking to Simon and Chris on our way there. I felt more comfortable with Sam and milo too. It's crazy how your friends can change your whole confidence. While we walk to the light festival we joke around and it actually feels like I've known them for months. More people come our way. crowds are gathered at cornors of the many shops that are in the big walkway of the small city. I don't mind the people as long as I have someone by my side. And what makes me even more confident to be in a crowd of people, waiting for the lights to start shining are the glow-sticks that another friend put on almost everyones wrists. It's easy to tell who is one of us now and we just have to raise a hand to find each other. We sit down by the fountain, pretty much in the middle of the big place. The view isn't the best since a massive tree is infront of the wall where the countdown is. What I know is that it's gonna start in just a few minutes.

Finally the lights filled the walls around us. The music started and to be honest I imagined it a little more... Exciting. The music is loud. It's like a calming meditation music. I don't know what I was expecting at this point. Iam fine with just sitting here and talking but the others have a different plan. Well walking around the city could get pretty exciting too!