KEPT

31. HEAR ME OUT.

LIYANA

I toss and turn the entire night. The talk I had with my brother left me emotionally messed up and I'd do anything to get out of this moment and just lock everything up like I've managed to to done all this time. All I had to do was keep meeting Miguel's demands without involving my family, that's all I had to do and everyone would continue being safe but Refilwe had to butt in and make things worse than they already were for me. To think there was a time I considered her to be a true friend, I really am a bad judge of character, her and Nhlakanipho are proof of this, I trusted them and they turned around and used that trust against me

I know I should be feeling relieved, even if it's just a little bit because I've finally spoken about the burden that I've had to carry for the longest time but I'm feeling the complete opposite. The weight that I've been carrying with me has multiplied by ten and I don't know how I'm going to continue going after last night, everything is just so messed up

I'm worried, I know my brother won't just let this be, he won't just ignore the fact that I've been risking with the comapand that Miguel had me trapped in a corner. He will want to find ways to save me from him and that's what worries me, the fact that he might get caught in my mess and lose his own life,while trying to save mine. I could never live with myself. Besides, I'm far too gone for saving, my life is already ruined and sometimes I wonder why I'm even fighting to stay alive, or maybe it's because I know that Miguel won't go easy on me, it won't just be a bullet to my head but he will first make sure that I suffer before he puts an end to my worthless life and that is what scares me. I'm scared of having to watch him torture and kill my  family right before my eyes, that is why I keep doing what I do, that's why I've been carrying this on my own because they don't deserve all of this, my brothers warned me about Nhlakanipho and I didn't listen so this is the price I have to pay for being stupid.

Nkosiyabo has always looked out for me, all my brothers have always looked out for me and protected me even when it felt like they were suffocating me and being unreasonable, they never stopped being my overprotective brothers and we may have fought about it before, like when Nkosi and Lwazi always screened my boyfriends once they got to know who I was dating at that time

It's why I hid Nhlakanipho from them for as long as I could, I didn't want them to ruin what I believed we had and now looking back... I was foolish for ever even thinking that he loved me and I wish I would have listened to them, but it's too late now and I'm already in this too deep to still have wishful thinking, no one is coming to save me.

I force myself to not think about Nhlakanipho because the memory of him comes with a lot of resentment and unpleasant memories that I'd rather keep far from me. I don't think I've ever hated a dead person the way that I do him. I still wish his soul is stuck floating aimlessly around with no peace because of how he just offered me to Miguel, not caring what would become of me. I hate him.

When my mind lands on Miguel, I know I need my sleeping pills so I dig  in my hand bag for them and this time instead of just two, I decide that three will do, I need to fall asleep fast enough for me to stop thinking, that's the only way I can escape him.

The next morning I wake up quite late like someone whose not going to work, I might just take the day off because I feel like crap and I know Refilwe will be on my case demanding to know why Bhut'Nkosi was looking all upset in my office. I'm  hoping that my brother has already left because I can't stand to continue the conversation that we had last night.

It feels weird to be in this house, considering the mess I made the last time I was here and how I got thrown out... I realise that I've put my brother in an impossible position and that my presence is definitely causing a lot of strain in his marriage, also having to face what I've done to Khanyisa. It's not that I'm not aware of the pain I've caused her, the humiliation as well. I'm aware of it all and it has been the worst having to treat her in that way but I know that even if I try explaining that to her, she will not believe it, rightfully so.